


Versatility

by Destiny_Smasher



Category: The Walking Dead (Comics), The Walking Dead (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Big Sisters, Gen, Little Sisters, Post-Season/Series 02 Finale, Sister-Sister Relationship, Survival, Survivor Guilt, Walkers (Walking Dead), Zombies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-03
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-02-16 00:02:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2248392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Destiny_Smasher/pseuds/Destiny_Smasher
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I did it for you, Clem. For us. We're free now."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS for SEASON TWO of the Walking Dead game.
> 
> Being fanfiction based on the SEASON TWO FINALE of the Walking Dead video game, THERE WILL BE SPOILERS, and the context won't make complete sense if you haven't played the game that far. This also means there's some intense language, mature themes, that kinda thing. Furthermore, since there are different possibilities, etc. I tried to put dialogue in there that contextualizes the choices My Clementine made.
> 
> I'm not actually sure how far this will go, but I have two other scenes partially written, and I'd like to explore some ideas based on the ending I got during my first playthrough.
> 
> If you've been following my work and are interested in supporting my pursuit of original stories, I've got a Kickstarter campaign going for an original graphic novel:  
> kickstarter.com/projects/destiny-smasher/downright-fierce

* * *

_"Fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck...It's OK, I've got you. **I've got you**."_

__

* * *

Jane stared down at the nail file on her lap as she ate a much-needed meal. That nail file certainly had come in handy, after all – it had helped save Clem's life, acting as a makeshift flint in a pinch. Jane had been quite pleased that Clementine had held onto the thing.

After gazing at the nail file's scuffed up surface, Jane took in a deep breath, preventing herself from starting to nod off. She couldn't appreciate the simple pleasure of the fire's heat after their arduous day of snow-bound hiking. Tensions were still palpable, even in this moment of relative solitude. Jane was at least relieved that everyone had managed to put their shitty pissing contests aside for all of two seconds to make sure a fire had gotten started. And they'd gotten some _food_ spread around. Damn. Kenny could smack-talk a can of chili all he wanted, but it was really hitting the spot right then, especially after she'd helped Mike scout the area for walkers. Kenny, meanwhile, had found a dinged up truck or something, and it had immediately become his obsession of the hour, until Bonnie had convinced everyone to get warm for a bit and get some food into their bellies.

Jane only wished Clementine was eating. But the kid was still sleeping, recovering from her dunk into the icy water. Clem's shivering had at least calmed down. Even in her exhausted state, Clem looked...at peace. Asleep, the girl's face was neutral. She wasn't bitter, or upset, or conflicted. She didn't have that kind of grouchy glare that she often wore. She wasn't trying to make sense of all of this... _shit_...going on around her. She was simply asleep.

But Jane knew that when Clem woke up, the girl wouldn't need convincing to move forward. She wouldn't need to be pushed, or prodded, or guilt-tripped into carrying on despite another day with another set back.

Clementine's body twitched a bit in her sleep, her arms wrapped around her abdomen. Jane could hear a gurgling from Clem's position. She knew the sound of a hungry stomach pretty fucking well at this point. As she licked a third gob of chili from her fingers, she wondered what Clem would have to eat when she awoke. Fuck knew if anyone else had even thought to ration anything aside for the girl. Clem was tough, but it pissed Jane off that the child had to... _deal_ with so much shit. This was a dog-eat-dog world now. Which side of that eating was Clem gonna be in the end?

Jane caught herself staring at Clementine, who was flopped across the hardwood floor. Jeez, not even in so much as a coat, since hers had been frozen up by the water. Were there seriously no blankets around? Shit, even a tarp could work.

Jane surveyed the house. Mike was standing at a table in the next room, within eyesight, taking into account the supplies they'd retrieved. Bonnie was across the table, working through her own can of food. They were having a hushed discussion with each other.

Kenny was munching down – rather spitefully – on his own can, dumping it into his gullet like a drink. He was sitting on the stairs, right above where he'd recently tied up that kid with the busted glasses. The boy was glumly staring at the floor. Jane felt like shit every time she looked at that kid. This was all her fault...if they'd just sent him on his way without making a fuss...

After one more glance at Clementine, on the floor, and AJ, in his makeshift bed, Jane set her half-emptied can down and approached the others with caution.

"Are we sure Clementine's warm enough?" Jane proposed skeptically. "She's just...sleeping on the _floor_ here. Don't we have-?"  
"She's gonna be _fine_ ," interrupted the gruff voice of the man on everyone's minds. Kenny added wistfully, "She'll pull through...She always _does_."

"Clem's got a bit of a lucky streak goin' for her," Mike remarked, not even looking up over his shoulder. Jane could hear the gentle rattling of the pill bottles he was sorting.

"Yea," Bonnie jumped with melancholy, setting her finished can on the table. "An' that luck's gon' run out, sooner or later..."

_Yea, if people like you keep telling her what to do all the time..._

Jane was getting pretty goddamn sick of watching people like Bonnie and Kenny trying to boss Clem. Like they were her parents. Age didn't fucking _matter_ anymore. That glare Kenny had shot Jane when she'd let Clem have a sip of that rum? Bullshit. Who'd he think he was? And Bonnie telling Clem, ' _Oh, you're_ light _, you should go over the_ thin ice _!_ ' Ugh. Clementine probably shouldn't have listened to Bonnie. She shouldn't have tried to help Luke, when the poor guy was doomed. Agh, fuck...Luke. God _damnit._ Guy had spent his final hours limping around on a wounded leg, wondering why Jane kept her distance from him. Clem hadn't been the only one Jane had hurt by taking off like she did. She probably shouldn't have even come back... _Urgh,_ but if she hadn't come back, where would Clementine be right now?

Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

Everything was supposed to be clearer in hindsight, but fuck...nothing was that simple anymore.

Even so, when the shit hit the fan? Clem _tried._ Clementine stepped up and made hard calls. And Jane was willing to be there on the sidelines, ready to yank the kid out of danger when things got hairy. That was the difference between people like her, and Clementine, and people like _Bonnie_ and Mike – shit got _done_ when it needed to. Maybe it didn't always work out, but better to try than wait for things to get worse.

After this thoughtful pause everyone had at Bonnie's input, Jane replied.

"Luck?" Jane carefully worded her counter-remark. "Clementine's not still alive because of _luck_..."

Bonnie's eyes were cold as the river she'd just emerged from. She stared Jane down head on from across the table.

"She might be doin' a bit better if ya hadn't convinced her to steal that boy's medicine."

Jane huffed air through her nose.  
 _Yea, or if_ you _hadn't convinced her to try getting Luke out from that ice..._

"I was _trying_ to look out for you guys..." Jane explained, her tone lacking pep. Was there really any use with them anymore? "And so was Clementine."

"Good job on that one," Mike grumbled. "Got us all fucked over, instead. Especially that poor kid..." He nodded his head over to Arvo, tied up under the stairs.

Fuck...Kenny had really done a number to Arvo, hadn't he? The stink eye he was giving Jane when she looked his way...if looks could kill...

"I mean...-" Mike was shaking his head. "Isn't that how this whole mess got _started_?"

Jane decided to plead for a little support from Arvo and approached him slowly.

"I, uh-...Arvo, right?"

"Get away!" Arvo blew up at her.

" _Yea,_ y-yea, OK!" Jane thrust up her hands to show she meant no harm, backpedaling her steps. "I...didn't mean for any of this to-"

"You... _crazy!_ " Arvo hissed out through some strained blubbering. "You kill my friend...Steal medicine. _Not_...good person...Crazy...People crazy..."

Kenny scoffed with amusement from Jane's left, sitting on the stairs.

"Now _there's_ somethin' the Russkie and I _agree_ on."

_Oh, whatever, Kenny. Fuck you, too. You're one to talk, you psychopath._

" _Man,_ Kenny," Mike spat, "Would you stop _callin'_ him that?"

"What? He _is_ one."

"Come on, man..." Mike opted to let it go, shaking his head a bit as he assessed their canned goods.

"I didn't know this would happen," Jane sighed, feeling more defeated by the second, and ever impatient about all this arguing. "I did what I thought was best..."

"Just like _Kenny_ is, huh?" Bonnie put in. She got a glare from the man she'd taken a jab at.

"Well, _I_ didn't _hurt_ the kid," Jane semi-lied, leaving Arvo alone and occupying the doorway between the parlor and what was probably supposed to be a dining room. She _had_ pointed a gun to him and roughed him a little, but... "-...and I wasn't _happy_ about doing it, either, but sometimes-"

"And that makes it all right to _fuck_ him and sister over?" Mike retorted. "Didn't _you_ have a sister? Don't you get what he's going through right now? And you're still gonna act like what you did is OK?"

Jane stilled her tongue for a moment, contemplating a careful response.

"I...wasn't _thinking_ straight, it-"

"Do ya _ever_ think straight?" said Bonnie. "'Cause it don't seem like you think 'bout nobody but _yerself_ ," Bonnie ranted on, her words dull like coals. "And you've got Clementine startin' to think that way, too...Like she can take care of herself. Like she don't need nobody."

"Clementine _can_ take care of herself," Jane insisted. "She _doesn't_ need anybody."

"Aw, well, all right," Bonnie was quick to spit out. "I suppose she don't need _you,_ then, neither..."

Jane sighed through her nose, looking up and away from Bonnie as she tried to figure out a reply. Bonnie beat her to it, though.

"Clem's just a _child,_ " Bonnie cited. "Now, I know maybe she don't act like it, but she _is_ a little girl. She's young. She needs folks – _good_ folks – lookin' out for her."

"So, she's a kid. So what?" Jane disagreed. "That doesn't fucking _mean_ anything anymore. I'm sick of watching you people boss her arou-"  
"Like _you_ should have any kinda say in it," scoffed Kenny. "Like you have _any idea_ how to raise a kid right. Any idea what's best for her..."

Jane snapped back, "And you _do?_ Huh? Punching out defenseless teenagers? _Bashing_ people's faces in and letting her _watch?_ Is _that_ what's best for her, Kenny?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," Kenny laughed with disbelief, "I forgot that robbing complete strangers at _gunpoint_ is settin' such a good fuckin' _example_."

" _Neither_ of you two...-!" Bonnie began, her tone gaining a dark ferocity. When Jane and Kenny glared right back at her, she practically shrunk in her seat. "Ya'll _clearly_ care about Clem, but carin' ain't the same as doin' her good."

"You're gonna compare me to _him_?" said Jane, shoving out a frustrated hand in Kenny's direction.

Bonnie, with arms folded across her chest, shook her head a little.

"I don't like the kinds of ideas ya beenbeen plantin' in Clem's head, is what I'm sayin'."

" _Excuse_ me?" Jane balked. " _I've_ been...-!" She realized she was really starting to raise her voice, with two children trying to rest in the room behind her. She lowered her tone. "I've been helping her keep her _head_ together through all the _bullshit_ the rest of you have put her through."

"Is that so?" Kenny piped in with that eerie, calm rage of his. He had just checked in on AJ, who was sound asleep. He approached Jane from behind. "I seem to recall _you_ up n' _leaving_ us."

Jane's throat tightened at her own hypocrisy, her eyes avoiding the stares she was receiving.

Shit. This whole bit was being quickly flipped back on her, huh? She should've just kept her damn mouth shut. Why'd she even _bother_ with these idiots? They were all just going to get themselves killed, anyway...She hadn't been _stalking,_ she'd been...just...staying nearby. Just in case something happened to... _them._ Which it _had_ , by the way, and she had _been_ there when it had counted, so no, she _hadn't_ abandoned anyone. In fact, she'd done something horrible, something she hadn't _wanted_ to do, to _protect_ them, so they could take their self-righteous...-

Fuck. Now _she_ was starting to sound like Kenny in her own head. Was she losing it, too?

"Clem took it pretty hard when you took off," Mike recalled with a sigh, zipping up the duffel bag he'd just taken account of. "Barely said anything the whole time we were at that gift shop."

Jane huffed with dismissal, eager to avoid dwelling on the guilt. "I get it, OK? I'm an asshole. But I came _back,_ didn't I?"

"And that's another thing," said Kenny, jabbing his index finger her way. "Why _did_ you come back? Huh? We waited there for _days_ – which, _by the way,_ I _knew_ was a shit idea –"

_We get it, Kenny, you're a fucking Alpha Male._

"- and we make it half a day down the road, where you just _happen_ to be nearby? Wanna _explain_ that?"

"Yea, what, were you _stalking_ us?" Mike was quick to conclude. "Waiting to take our stuff after shit went down?"

" _What_?" Jane grunted in disbelief. "Mike, _why_ would I have _helped_ you, then? I wasn't gonna _steal_ your _stuff_."

"You wouldn't, huh?" Mike muttered with doubt, still dwelling on that notion. "How about I ask Arvo for his opinion on that?"

"I stole _for_ you guys. I wouldn't steal _from_ you. Not after you helped me get outta Carver's hellhole."

"'Course not!" Bonnie concluded, her tongue sharp with sarcasm. "Only thing _you're_ interested in takin' from us is Clem."

Wh-?! That...-! That was...maybe extremely similar to what Jane had been...kind of _hoping_ to do, but...she hadn't _done_ it, or even _tried._

"I've seen it, Jane," Bonnie went on. "We all have. Seen the way you two have yer lil' hushed chatter off to the side. Yer always pulling her away from us. Talkin' 'bout us. Tryin' to convince her to...what? Leave us behind? That yer plan?"

"Like she'd ever go along with _that_ ," Kenny dismissed the idea with a groan and a shake of his head. "Clementine's got too big a heart to just _run off_ on folks." Yep, there was that glare again. As much as it pissed Jane off, she couldn't deny it was warranted. "See, she _respects_ us. She respects other people. Least, she _did,_ up until _you_ showed up."

"Yea, but nobody respects _her_ ," Jane noted with some contempt.

"That ain't true," Kenny disagreed, swallowing down the last of his can of food. "I've seen that girl go from bein' a scared little thing to a _survivor._ "

"You respect her? She tried her best to save your fucking girlfriend and you _chewed her out_."  
"Don't you _dare_ talk about Sarita!"  
"She was _freezing_ to death and while I was trying to keep her _alive,_ you were so caught up in _child-beating_ that you clocked her in the face."

"God _damn_ , man," Mike groaned. "Would you two shut _up_ already? You've both done stupid shit these past coupla days – case closed. Can't we just get some rest here? It's fuckin' cold..."

Kenny wiped chili residue from his mustache and tossed his emptied can to the floor, getting up from the stairs he'd been sitting upon.

"Ya'll can _rest._ "He made his way to the front door." _I_ ain't restin' 'til I know AJ is safe – which ain't gonna happen _here._ " With that, Kenny shut the front door behind him.

"Where's he think _he's_ going?" Jane grumbled.

"I don't even _care_ ," Mike puffed, shaking his head. "Just glad we don't have to deal with him for a few minutes."

"Yea, no kiddin'," Bonnie sighed.

Jane lingered awkwardly in the hall – the space between the stairs, where Arvo was, and the table that Bonnie and Mike were occupying. The two at the table exchanged glances, then looked over to Jane, who had her hands latched around her arms.

"I...-" Jane sighed through her nose, staring down at the floor. "I don't know what we're gonna _do_ about him."

Neither Bonnie nor Mike seemed to have anything to say to that.

"Look...Listen." They weren't paying attention to her. Jane cast a glance back at the two kids by the fire before entering the room with the table. "Bonnie. Mike. I've been _through_ this. I've watched groups fall apart."

"We _all_ have," Bonnie darkly reminded.

Jane had to peel her eyes away from Bonnie's bloodshot stare, aimlessly gazing at the supplies on the table.

"I am... _trying_ here," Jane mumbled, her voice cracking just a bit.

"Sure you are," Mike mumbled disingenuously.

They were fucking ice-walling her. Fantastic. _Urgh._

Dropping a sigh through her mouth, Jane shook her head and returned to her bench by the fire. Her head was reeling with frustration. With doubt. The only person who seemed to give a damn what she thought was, what? 12 years old? She was more goddamn mature than the rest of these people, as far as Jane was concerned.

After a minute or two of letting herself calm down by the fire, Jane watched Mike get up from the table, brandishing some of the medical supplies he'd just been sorting out. He didn't pay her any heed, heading straight for Arvo under the stairs. With Kenny finally gone for a few minutes, Mike could give the boy some treatment without getting his own head bit off.

Jane sighed to herself, glancing down at Clementine. When she gave herself a moment to think, she couldn't help but conclude that all the 'grown-ups' here had some kid they were trying to look out for. Kenny was trying to look after AJ, Mike was concerned about Arvo, and Bonnie was...well, doing that typical passive-aggressive bullshit with Jane in some bid over who Clementine's 'guardian' was.

As Jane watched Clementine stir a bit, she had to convince herself that if they _were_ fighting for Clem's affections, than she was winning. It was the only way Jane could keep moving on through all of this shit.

"Let me take a look at you, man," Mike said to Arvo in the background, helping clean the boy's wounds. "Jesus...He _coulda_ killed you. What the _fuck_ is wrong with him?"

Clementine's eyes were open now, dilating to adjust to the dim lighting of the room.

"You're up," Jane greeted her gently.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter still doesn't get to the real meat of what this story is supposed to be about but I felt like I needed to explore a little bit more of these events from Jane's point of view. The next chapter will have more of a balance between Jane and My Clementine's PoV's.  
> \---

The gunshot had pierced through the night, ripping Jane from her unsteady slumber. It had been close. Really close. 'What-the-fucking-hell?' close. That meant one thing: walkers. Probably a goddamn bunch if guns were going off.

It was dim – the fire must have died out some time ago. Alvin Junior was shrieking like a banshee from some place in the dark. A blur of a man that smelt of Kenny whizzed by Jane as she fumbled to her feet.

Seconds after that first gunshot had broke Jane's slumber, she was out the door, her knife drawn and ready.

But there weren't any walkers.

Mike, Bonnie, and Arvo were wide-eyed and pale-faced, lingering by the truck. They had duffel bags – like everyone was getting ready to head off. But there weren't any walkers around, so...what was the deal?

Jane's eyes intensified, too, when she noticed what they were all staring at: Clementine's body, in the snow, a pool of blood forming around her abdomen.

What little semblance Jane still possessed of 'a world' was cracked in half.

"What the fuck did you do?! Clem!" Kenny was roaring, arms flinging around in a fit. Back and forth between rage at one person and worry for another. "What did you do?! Clem! Clem!"

Jane saw the smoke trail rising from Arvo's rifle, and she put one and one together.

"She...she drew a gun on us, man," Mike explained, keeping his cool. "I was trying to-"

"You piece o' shit! It was that fucker, wasn't it?!" Kenny slammed his hand in the air toward Arvo.

Mike tried to stand up before Kenny, who glowered over Mike's shoulder at Arvo.

"Kenny! It was...self-defense, he was just-"

"Fuckin' knew you'd pull this kinda...-"

The shouting, the yelling...It had already phased out for Jane. Become a haze.

All Jane could see was red. Red leaking into the snow from beneath Clementine's motionless body.

"Oh, god..." Jane whispered, her body paralyzed by the sight. "Oh, fuck...Oh, fuck."

The word 'fuck' kept repeating through her lips in a dazed murmur. She'd just been put through this. And again? Already? She was going to be put through this shit again?

"No-no-no..." Jane was whispering meekly, the rational side of her brain struggling to reel her body into action. For a few moments, it failed.

Jane's legs were weak, her head spinning. She collapsed onto one knee in the snow, watching Clementine's eyelids flutter as the life was slipping away. Jaw agape, Jane glanced up at the sight before her. Kenny was brandishing a pistol at Arvo while Mike was trying to talk him down.

These goddamn morons and their pissing contest...Clementine was going to bleed out while they argued with each other. Whatever had just happened didn't even matter – keeping Clem alive did. It was all that mattered anymore. Jane re-sheathed her knife and wedged her hand into the reddened snow beneath Clementine.

Jane scooped up Clem's fading form, holding the kid abreast as she regained her footing, and headed for the relative safety of the half-built house. Clementine hissed from the pain of being stirred.

"...Lee...?" Clementine uttered out through a whimper as Jane carried her inside. "...Wh...-?" A wince and she was out cold from the shock.

"I gotcha," Jane tried to comfort, her voice cracking. "I gotcha..."

This shit again. She'd just been through this. They both had. Argh, fuck...

If this goddamn world of walkers was trying to test Jane's limits, she'd fucking pass.

A gunshot rang from outside.

Another, and another.

Screaming, shouting, fading off into the distance.

The baby bawling.

So much noise.

But Jane had to work through it. She couldn't afford to help Kenny – and that crazy motherfucker could handle himself, anyway. Hell, at least killing shit was something she could count on from him with consistency.

Jane set Clementine down near the screeching banshee of a baby in the parlor. She went to look for their supplies – but they were gone. What the fuck...? Where was all their stuff? How was Jane supposed to...?

Her panicked mind recollected having seen duffel bags outside. When she went to find them, she saw Kenny backtracking toward her through a trail of blood that led off into the woods. His eyes were on fire.

"Those mother fuckers...!" he was seething, each step a cold and steady beat.

"Kenny!" Jane growled, grabbing the lone duffel bag that had been left behind by the vehicle. "Get this truck started! We need to keep Clem warm, get her outta here. Walkers are gonna be all over this place any minute."

"Clem!" Kenny gasped out. "AJ! Are they...-?"

"They're fine!" Jane barked, dashing back inside. "The truck, Kenny!"

Jane almost slipped on some of Clementine's blood as she re-entered, supplies in hand. AJ was shrieking from feet away, but Jane had to focus.

She had to search for the bullet, disinfect, stitch it up, stop the bleeding...

Something clicked in Jane's mind as she went to work treating Clem's wound. A streak of luck? No. Fuck that. Luck didn't exist. Not in this world. Clementine had something better than luck: people fucking cared about her. People were willing to fight – to die – to keep Clementine alive. Between that and the kid being a stubborn, tough little bitch, it wasn't any surprise Clem had lasted this long, really.

And she was going to keep lasting, because Jane was gonna make damn sure of it.

Bandits, walkers, ice water, fucking...bullets. She'd save Clem from all of it.

She'd even save Clem from her own psychotic friend Kenny if she had to.

She'd do whatever it took.

After all, Clementine had saved her from something she hadn't even realized she'd needed saving from.

Jane got straight to work, her head foggy with emotion but her hands steady and sure as they did what needed to be done. By now, the whole process of treating wounds felt as commonplace as cooking a meal. Fuck, maybe more commonthan cooking, these days. The noise all around her become a dull hum, her ears ringing with fear.

"Come on...come on...Stay with me, Clem, stay with me..."

Jane cycled through the phrases, the words, the things you said when you were working to keep someone around after they'd just been fucking shot. She'd just gone through this hours ago. She'd go through it again, without hesitation, without question. And she knew Clem would fight to stick around, too. Clementine was a fighter. She'd needed to become one, given the circumstances. Clementine wouldn't quit on Jane. She wouldn't give up. It wasn't like that idiot at the crosswalk. And it wasn't like Jamie. Clementine would fight to stick around. That in and of itself stoked some fire in Jane's gut as she tracked down a needle to sterilize.

Clementine seemed to be stable – barely holding in there, but...

Jane shivered, her hands numb from the cold. Clem's warm blood was freezing in Jane's fingers.

Damnit. It was too cold here. Right back to the same problem they'd just had.

The cold had probably helped slow Clem's bloodflow, but it would kill the girl if she was exposed for too long.

The truck was running, heating up, she hoped, by the time she was done with Clem.

Jane stuck her blood-covered fingers against Clem's neck: still a pulse.

Good. OK. Yea, she was going to be fine. Tough little kid. Tough, beautiful little kid would pull through again.

"Sorry," Jane sighed quietly as she cautiously cleaned things up, doubting Clem could hear. Clementine was stable enough for now, but they needed to get out of there. Jane zipped Clem's coat back onto her frail, trembling body. Her task of live-saving complete, Jane allowed herself a morsel of a moment to soak it in again – that look of peace, of serenity, on Clementine's face. Like the girl was lost in some other world.

By the time she was done, Kenny had burst inside, wheezing raggedly.

"I chased 'em off," he growled, following the baby's wails to its location. Kenny scooped up the baby. "Fuckers were gonna steal everything from under our noses."

Jane was aggravated – not because Kenny wasn't right, but because it seemed like the second she could appreciate what it was she was putting up with all this shit for...she was just pulled right back into it.

"We gotta fuckin' move, Jane."

"I know!" Jane acknowledged in exasperation, slinging the duffel bag around one shoulder. "I had to patch Clem up."

She groaned forcefully as she got Clem up from the floor. The girl's involuntary twitching and wincing was at the forefront of Jane's senses. That brief flicker of peace evaporated from Clem's face.

"Clem!" Kenny gasped out, as if it suddenly dawned on him the whole goddamn reason he'd just thrown a conniption. Damnit, the man was certifiable by now. "Is she...-?" He stared at Clementine from behind as he followed Jane to the running truck.

"She passed out," Jane informed, her voice shaking a tad. "I, uh...did what I could. No bullet, must've shot right through, and...-"

"She gonna make it?" Kenny demanded, his voice cracking. Jane was so confused. When it came to kids, this guy fucking melted apart, only to freeze back over the second it suited him. Unstable as hell. She didn't like it at all. It made her uneasy being around him. And yet, she could kind of understand where he was coming from, getting all worked up.

"She, uh...-" Jane cleared her throat, setting Clementine into the truck's backseat. "Y-yea, she'll make it. I think." Jane slipped their remaining supplies off onto the floor of the backseat, then opened the front passenger door.

"You think?" said Kenny, passing AJ off to her with that grit-teeth glare of his.

"She'll make it," Jane grunted defensively as she took the passenger's seat, shouting over the crying baby in her arms. "She always does – that's what you said, right? She'll pull through, but-...We've gotta...fucking keep her warm."

"I'm drivin'," Kenny declared, taking the driver's seat.

"Fine," said Jane. "Just get us out of here."

He pressed down on the gas pedal and began to maneuver them away from the house, dodging a couple of stray walkers. He commanded to Jane, "You hold onto AJ like your life depends on it, 'cuz it sure as hell does."

"I got it," Jane muttered back forcefully, glaring down at the child in her arms.

As roads washed over in white trickled by, Jane stared down at Alvin Jr. He eventually calmed down his fussing, and Jane's heartrate settled from the calming ride. Jane had nearly forgotten how...relaxing it could be, riding it in a car.

AJ's face wrinked up, as did Jane's in kind, fearful of what...stuff...might come out of the kid's orifices. He sneezed a tiny baby sneeze. It was disgusting. He had shit coming out of his nose now.

"He OK?" Kenny instantly wondered. "You holdin' him right?"

"He's fine," Jane snapped in a contained grumble. It was...really contained. She had to be super careful with this guy right now. He could snap any fucking second...

AJ sneezed a second time. Jane used AJ's blanket to wipe gunk from the kid's nose. Ulgh.

"You sure he's OK?" Kenny demanded. "'Cause that don't-"  
"He's fine!" Jane growled with some more bite. "Fuck, Kenny, he's...just cold."

"Aw, damnit. God damnit." Kenny slowed the car a bit, grasping the wheel with one hand as he fidgeted with dials with the other. The conditioner was turned on, and a blast of air pelted them – cold air. Jane endured it without so much as a shiver, and the heat that it transformed into was worth it.

AJ coughed little...weird...baby coughs. Ech. He was dribbling a little...

"Christ, woman," Kenny huffed. "Do ya understand how to fuckin' hold a child?" He kept glancing away from the road and toward Jane. His twitchiness was setting her on the edge of the edge she was already fucking leaning over in that moment.

"Watch the road," Jane barked back.

AJ coughed again. Aulgh, bleh. Oh, yuck...Ugh.

It was gross. Ohhhh, gross.

"You gotta burp him," Kenny groaned at her apparent idiocy. "Jesus, just...just let me..." As Kenny decided this, he swerved the car off to one side of the road, likely out of habit of the way things used to be.

"You want me to drive instead?" Jane wondered as they did a baby-pass-off.

"No," Kenny laughed more than replied. "No fuckin' way."

Jane was astounded at the man's stubbornness. They were wasting time. And gas. All so he could fuss over a fucking lump of liability that could get them all...-

Maybe that was it.

Jane watched Kenny throw everything aside – all reason, all rationality, even forgetting about the bleeding child in their backseat – because of how obsessed he'd become about this baby...and a very dark idea entered her brain.

If Jane was going to get Clementine away from this asshole, they weren't going to be able to take that baby with them. And that baby was the key to getting Clem to see just how unstable Kenny was. The guy could explode any second. If she could just get Clementine to comprehend how dangerous it was to hang around with this guy...

She had to do something. Or the two of them were going to end up dead pretty soon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A/N: This chapter lacks in dialogue, but in the same way I've spent some time developing my interpretation of Jane, it was important to me to spend some time here in this chapter focusing My Clementine, referencing some of the events that have happened to her, and exploring some ideas and reminders of shit she's been through up until now, which culminates in my own explanation of why she makes the choice she does at the end of S2; E5. I have the next two chapters nearly finished as well, so there will be more on the way sooner rather than later.**   
> 

* * *

**Versatility**   
_Chapter 3_

 

* * *

Clementine's hands were trembling. Not from the cold so much as what she'd just done, and the realization that she hadn't necessarily... _needed_ to do it.

The air was bitter, the sunlight still bright, reflecting off all of the snow in a fussy white haze that washed over the distance.

Jane stood before Clem, her chest and left thigh reddened from knife wounds, her arms quivering from stress, her eyes shallow and lost.

"Look, Clem...I'm _sorry_ ," Jane pleaded. "I didn't think Kenny would go that _far_. But it's over now. I did this for _you_ , Clem. For us. We're _free_ now."

Clementine had never seen Jane so...desperate. Exuding regret, sorrow, and so openly, at that. Clem could tell the woman was struggling to keep a straight face, but her eyebrows, her lips, they kept curling with remorse. Clementine acknowledged that they were both all each other had left now. This was it. Back to square one again...like with Lee, like with Christa...

Christa had shot that girl in the bathroom, months back, even though she didn't need to. Omid had died because Clem had been careless with her gun, but Christa had kept her around. Lee had forgiven her for running away like an idiot. Lee _died_ to save her, even after she'd abandoned him, _after_ he'd promised he wouldn't abandon her...She'd been so stupid. And Christa was probably dead now. If she was, she'd died to keep Clem out of harm's way, even though...-

What Jane – and Kenny, too – what they'd done was maybe more...selfish than the mistakes Clem had made. She didn't really know how to figure that out. It wasn't like math, after all.

But Clem knew she'd messed stuff up, too, and people had given her another chance. They'd protected her, anyway. Whether they'd truly forgiven her or not, they'd wanted her to stick around.

Clementine wanted Jane to stick around, even if she had messed up, too.

Clementine had been put in a difficult situation – one where someone was going to die, one way or the other. Why couldn't they have just...-? Ugh. Jane and Kenny, they'd both been acting like...well, children. Clem was supposed to be 'kid' here. And she still got treated like one, because neither of them had listened to her. Two crazy people, killing each other...but one of them was the kind of crazy that Clementine knew she could work through. Work _with._ And the other had been too far gone.

Kenny had been a good man – a stubborn one – who made dumb decisions...  
And Jane, near as Clem could tell, was a good woman who _also_ made dumb decisions...

And they'd both hurt Clementine.

Jane _regretted_ hurting people. Clem could see it in her eyes. The way she'd started tearing up after they'd met Arvo...the way she'd been in shock after stabbing that man in the neck...and now, the way she was apologizing about Kenny.

But Kenny had...lost that part of himself. The way she'd watched him beat Carver to death was...too much. She hadn't been able to look away, though. Killing...even people who were alive...it was part of how things were now. Clem had to get used to it – but she didn't have to _enjoy_ it Kenny had let himself...get _into_ it.

That sort of stuff? It...wasn't supposed to be something that felt _good_. Something you _wanted_ to do.

And sure, Jane had asked for a fight. Clem saw that now. And that was fucking stupid. It made her mad.

But Kenny had asked for a _lot_ of fights before that day...

When they'd been in that house, and Kenny was beating on Arvo, Clem had moved her frozen body to try and stop him. Try and get him to just... _stop_ doing that stuff. And he'd whacked her in the face with his elbow. When she'd tried to save Sarita – which had been _dumb,_ so dumb – he'd yelled at her.

' _You think just 'cause you're a little girl..._ '  
People kept saying that sorta stuff. Clementine was sick of that.

She didn't ' _think_ ' anything about being a little girl. It didn't matter.

Clementine didn't feel like a little girl anymore.

She also didn't...feel like a grown-up, either.

And that...really sucked. Being stuck somewhere inbetween.

She felt was like she was still alive, but...not really living.

Just like Luke had said. He'd been right – she needed reasons to _live_ , not just be alive.

Not just be stuck somewhere inbetween being around but being gone.

In that exact instant, however – Jane standing before her, glum and seeping regret through a tired face – all Clementine could think of was how she knew exactly what Jane was going through.

Because she'd been through it before.

When she'd shot that crazy man in the head – the one who she had trusted to take her to mom and dad.

When she'd found out that Lee had gotten bit because of her...and when she'd had to shoot him, too.

When Omid had gotten killed because she'd been a careless, weak idiot.  
When they'd lost Genevieve, Christa's baby, because Clementine couldn't...-  
When she'd left Christa behind after everything they'd been through.

When she'd killed that dog after it had chewed up her arm.

When Sarah had gotten eaten because Clem couldn't...pull her out of that 'being gone' place.

When Luke had drowned because she'd fired her gun and drawn those walkers to them...

And moments ago, when she'd shot Kenny.

It hurt. Her shoulder burned. Everything did.

She couldn't _not_ forgive Jane. Clementine believed that what Jane had said was true – that all Jane had done had been for her.

When Omid had died...Christa had never given Clem that courtesy – 'I forgive you.' Clem never got one of those. It had ached and eaten away at Clementine for months as she and Christa traveled together. An entire year and a half spent mostly alone with a person who she wasn't sure if they hated her or not. Of course Christa couldn't have truly hated Clem – she must have forgiven Clementine. But it had never been said. Clementine never _knew_ , for sure. She'd instead withered away, losing part of herself in the bitter, cold, quietly aggressive woman that Christa became.

It all sucked. A lot. Things needed to be _said._ People needed to... _talk._

Why did grown-ups all have to make things so weird?

Clementine wasn't going to let Jane deal with that crap.

Everything that had just happened with Kenny and AJ? That was _not_ OK.

But Jane _had_ done it for Clem's sake...and Jane hadn't wanted anyone else to get killed.

Jane hadn't made the call to kill Kenny, either – Clementine had.

It was _not_ OK to put Jane through that cycle of confusion – and Clem could make that call, too.

They'd deal with it together, which was a lot better than dealing with it alone in the same place.

Clementine wasn't like Sarah, or Jaime – she wasn't going to just give up on surviving.

And Jane wasn't like Christa – she wouldn't give up on living.

Clementine was feeling very exhausted from all of these hard decisions and nasty thoughts.

She was exhausted from the slowly growing collection of people who she'd killed, or who had died because of _her_ choices. So many choices...and it seemed like they all still led down a path of... _this._ Of people dying when they didn't need to. All that remained were...sad, angry people.

Lee had done bad things. But people had learned to forget about that – because Lee had protected them. Looked out for them. Made hard decisions. The big, bad decisions only outweighed the many littler good ones if people let them.

Clementine knew it would take time before she was comfortable – or, well, _not_ sick to her stomach, anyway – but the thought of hurting Jane wasn't at all pleasant. Of putting Jane through what Christa had put her through...no way. That was one decision that was strangely _not_ hard to make.

"...I forgive you, Jane..." The words dribbled out of Clem's mouth with sorrow.

" _Thank you_..." Jane whispered, relief swelling from her shaky breath. "Thank you, Clem..."

Clementine instantly felt affirmed in her decision, even though she was feeling woozy in the pit of her stomach.

Jane looked on the verge of tears, the remorse plain on her face. Clementine could practically see her younger self, standing by two corpses in that bathroom like an idiot, ashamed and aghast. Clementine was tired, but she'd try her best to not do to Jane what Christa had done to her. People like Kenny and Christa had gotten lost – too far gone – but Clementine could tell...Jane wouldn't be like that. She just needed another chance in.

"You were right about Kenny," Clementine conceded, trying to help Jane feel slightly less cruddy. "All along, you knew what he was gonna do."

_I kept thinking I could bring him back...but I couldn't. I can't...save anybody. No matter how hard I try._

"It's over now, Clem," Jane sighed out, tilting her head with a flick of her arm. "Let's just...put all this behind us."

 _Maybe I can bring_ you _back, though, Jane. You and AJ...maybe I can at least save you. It's not enough for everyone who'd died because of me. But that's all I can handle anymore..._

"Uhh...-" Jane took a deep, trembling breath, her eyes darting left and right as she scratched at the back of her scalp. "We should, uh-...Well, you lead the way." Jane crossed her arms around her waist warily, shuddering from the chilly breeze that whisked at them.

Clementine was a bit frustrated with Jane's insistence on 'putting all this behind them' so quickly. It wasn't so simple. Clem _knew_ it wasn't so simple for Jane, either. Clementine held onto AJ tight as they traced their path back along the cold road of snow. The cold numbed her senses for a moment as she remembered words that had influenced her choice to stay with Jane.

" _Lee?"_

" _Mm?"_

" _Why did Lilly do that to Carley?"_

" _I don't know..."_ Lee had shrugged with a troubled sigh. " _She was sad, Clem. That can make people angry sometimes."_

" _Have..._ you _ever been that angry?"_

" _One time..."_

Clementine never forgot the look he'd had on his face when he'd said had done something bad – something bad _before_ the walkers showed up. Before doing bad stuff was what people _needed_ to do.

" _Clem, people don't always make sense."_

" _How come?"_

" _'Cause bad things happen to_ everyone _. And it's hard to keep bein' yourself after they do."_

"Clementine...! _Urgh,_ agh-...! Clem?"

Jane's forced grunts snapped Clem out off her stupor.

"H-hey, uh...-" Jane was limping up to Clem from behind, wincing through clenched teeth. Clem glanced at the fresh bandages Jane had wrapped over her thigh, wondering how deep that stab wound had been. Just thinking about it brought her consciousness to her own injury in her chest, a burning ache she was already getting used to putting up with. "Can we maybe...slow down? Just a bit." Jane was wary and nervous in her speech. "My leg got a little...-" She trailed off with a sharp intake of air through her teeth as a step shot pain through her whole body.

Clem realized she'd been walking through the snow without focusing on the task at hand. Not thinking about the baby in her arms, not thinking about Jane's injury. Not thinking about the fact that they needed to go back to that truck to retrieve what little supplies they had left. Not thinking about where they'd even go after that

Not thinking. That was...bad.

"Thanks," Jane breathed out as she caught up to Clem.

"Are you...going to make it OK?" Clementine mumbled with some doubt at Jane's shaky leg.

"Gonna try," muttered Jane as she kept pace.

They trudged through the snow in silence for a couple of minutes.

"So, Clementine...uh...-"

"What?" Clementine huffed. She wasn't in the mood for talking. She just wanted to get this junk done and find some place _not_ frozen over to rest.

"Oh, just...-" Jane shifted gears from whatever it was she was going to ask. "What's the plan?"

Clementine sighed. She didn't want to think about what was next. She just...wanted to keep moving.

"Clem?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I always wanted a sister. I used to make my babysitter, Sandra, play a game that we were secret sisters. It was...stupid kid stuff."
> 
> "You know, being a big sister is...well, it's funny. It's really easy to be mean."

–-

“ _I'll fuckin'_ _ **kill**_ _you!”_

 

“ _I..._ _ **knew**_ _you would...”_

 

Struggling. Grunting. Panting. Blood. Her leg burned, her chest burned...everything felt like it was on fire. What wasn't on fire was cold, freezing, numb...Pressing down – it was all pressing down. She couldn't push it back, couldn't keep it up, couldn't lift it, couldn't...-

 

_-Bang!-_

 

And then everything had been over.  
And everything had just begun.

 

But not in the way Jane had wanted. It shouldn't have gone down that way. She should've...been smarter. But she hadn't – go figure. It made her sick, seeing Clementine do that to Kenny. Sick and...thankful.

 

Shit. Thankful?

Jane was thankful. Full of fucking gratitude.

Grateful that a pint-sized girl had shot a friend.

Jane had saved Clem with a nail file and bandages.

And Clem had saved Jane with a  _pistol._   
What did that  _mean_ ? It wasn't as simple as it had been with Jaime.

No. Wait. Sure it was. Yea.

 

Kenny was a threat. It was  _his_ fault, all of that shit. If he hadn't been such an asswipe to Arvo, Clem wouldn't have gotten shot.

 

But...if  _Jane_ hadn't have been an asswipe to Arvo  _first_ , maybe...  
Jane had provoked Kenny. Very deliberately. Clem might have pulled the trigger, but it was _Jane's_ fault the man was dead. If Jane's knife had been the thing to do it, she could...live with that a little easier. Fuck. Kinda horrible to think that, but...kinda true, too.  


Ugh. Nevermind. So much for fucking simple.

Everything was so twisted. All of it. So fucking twisted up.

What wasn't twisted burned.

 

_**Argh!** _ _Aughhh,_ shit. It stung like a motherfucker. Everything burned so bad...

 

“Jane, you have to stay _still_ ,” Clementine sighed, giving her makeshift patient an exhausted glare from beneath the brim of her hat.

 

“Sorry,” Jane muttered, recollecting herself. She watched with wide eyes and a wrinkled nose as her leg sizzled and fizzed a bit from the peroxide Clem was dabbing at her stab wound. Clementine's wound-patching methods were...mechanical. She'd done this many times before, it seemed. For that, Jane was grateful, and yet...not so much.

 

“There.” Clementine's concluded her fix-up job on Jane's bandages. After packing things back up, Clem stuck her arms out expectantly. Jane passed AJ over to her, stunned by the kid's cold demeanor.

 

“Thanks,” Jane said with some wary warmth, grunting as she repositioned herself against the tree trunk. A word – a title – that she had used once with Clem had been hanging on her tongue all morning, and she was eager to toss it out, and see if it took. “So, uh...What's our next move? Huh, Partner?”

 

Clementine didn't react, though. Jane's stomach churned at how dull Clem's expression was. Unchanging. Just...hollow. She'd been like this for two days now, ever since they'd left that rest stop behind. Ever since Clementine had gunned Kenny down.

 

In that moment, when Clementine had been holding the ragged man's bloody hand as he passed...Jane had realized what a coward she'd been. Clementine had killed at least _two_ people she'd cared about to spare them of misery. Jane hadn't been that courteous to her sister...she'd just... _left_ her.

 

Ugh. Everything still burned.

 

Jane had to shake it off. The air was cold. They were resting up on a hilltop with a lone pair of pine trees standing vigil. The surrounding field and hills were cast over with a sheet of white, speckled by the occasional tree.

 

“We, uh...-” Jane prodded after the awkward silence, watching Clementine stand up with baby in tow. “Are we gonna rest here for a while, or...-?”

 

“If that's what you think we should do,” Clementine mumbled tiredly.

 

Clementine's eyes remained fixed on AJ as she bobbed him around slightly. He made...some kind of baby noise. Good noise? Sure.

 

“Clem, I'm...asking what _you_ think we should do.”

 

Clementine said nothing, gazing off aimlessly down the hill, continuing to bob the baby. She could make out a figure in the distance, meandering without direction or purpose. At least the cold and snow slowed them down a little.

 

“Clem?” Jane checked.

 

“I don't care,” Clem glumly replied, looking back to to AJ. He was smiling up at her. But she didn't feel like smiling back.

 

Jane was struck with worry at the girl's callous response to her question.

 

“Hey, are you...OK?” Jane checked, her voice dripping with some concern.

 

“ _No,_ I'm _not_ OK,” Clementine said an impatient glare back at Jane. It was the first time she'd looked at Jane in the eyes for hours. Clem tossed back a line through ice-cold syllables. “But is _anyone_ OK anymore?”

 

That had been how Jane had responded to Clem the week prior when asked if she was OK. Jane swallowed a lump in her throat when Clementine's glare didn't let up after a few seconds. She couldn't peel her eyes away from that amber fury.

 

“You're...still upset with me,” Jane concluded awkwardly. “You've got every right to be...”

 

“ _Upset_?” Clementine seethed quietly.

 

“O-OK, OK, fucking _pissed_ ,” Jane hastily corrected her wording. “I don't...I don't know _how_ you're feeling, or what you want, so...-”

 

“I _want_ to... _not_ talk about it right now,” Clementine grumbled, rising to her feet.

 

“You...you said you forgave me,” Jane reminded warily. A selfish thing to point out, but given Clem's hollow attitude these past couple of days, Jane was starting to worry that maybe Clem was having a change of heart. “Did you...really mean it?”

 

“Yea,” Clem murmured, rocking AJ gently, staring down the hill. “I meant it,” she reiterated, attempting to sound as authentic as she could. She was _not_ in the mood for talking, and she was feeling particularly jaded toward Jane in that moment, but...-

 

This was why Christa had treated Clem that way. Clementine was starting to get it now. But it still wasn't...good.

 

“I _do_ forgive you,” Clementine insisted aloud – somewhat for her own benefit.

 

Jane's chest loosened with some relief. Clementine was...understandably having a hard time with shit. It would take a while to get past it. Not a problem. Jane had...all the time in the world these days, and at this point, only one thing to spend that time focusing on.

 

“I know I don't deserve it,” Jane mumbled. “I've already fucked up more than a few things, and...-”

 

“And you've helped me, too, but...-” Clem sighed. “You saved me...I just...-” She trailed off with a shrug and a shake of her head.

 

“I'm a shitty person,” Jane said flatly. “No use beating around the bush, right? It's not easy, giving me a...third chance, now? I mean, how many people have screwed you or your friends over?”

 

“Jane, it's not like you're my first friend who did bad stuff...And I've...-” Clem shrugged. “-...done bad stuff, too.”

 

“Maybe, but...-” Jane gave Clem a critical glance, not liking seeing the kid down on herself. “You did your best with shitty situations. Ya know? You were just trying to look out for...-”

 

Jane didn't even finish her sentence, because Clementine's amber eyes were giving her quite the stoic look. And Jane understood what the kid was getting at: that Clem understood that  _both_ of them needed to accept that their shitty decisions had been based on good intentions, and move on with it.

 

“Clementine, I'm...-” Jane's voice trembled. “I'm really _sorry_. I am. I didn't-”  
“I know,” said Clem, breaking their eye contact. There was a pain that lingered on her face that drove Jane crazy.

 

Jane had said 'I'm sorry' so many times over the past couple of days. She couldn't say it enough times, though, it seemed like.

 

Clem was back to staring down the hill. There were two blurry figures in the distance now. Jane tried to follow Clem's line of sight, and took note of the walkers gradually making their way toward the hill they sat upon.

 

Clementine fidgeted with her stained hat a little, scratching an itch on her scalp before pushing the hat back into position.

 

“We should keep moving,” Clementine deduced, re-fidgeting her grip on Alvin Jr. 

 

“Yea...” Jane wasn't too pleased about the notion of more walking. Her leg was fucking killing her. But they weren't going to find proper shelter just sitting around. 

 

Jane leaned against the tree at her back for support as she cautiously rose to her feet, careful with how she placed weight on her left leg.

 

“ _Aghh_ -right,” Jane groaned quietly, readying herself to move. “Let's go, then.”

 

“This way?” Clementine wondered, taking a few steps.

 

“Yep,” said Jane, taking a few light, careful steps to start. OK, yea, her leg would be fine. Yea, totally do-able. Probably.

 

Jane should've known this would be a process. She couldn't expect Clem to just...bounce back so quick. For Jane, she'd just broken free of a ton of bullshit, twice over – from Carver's group and then from Clem's. And it had hardly been the first time to happen. It just got easier each time.

 

But for Clem...she'd probably just lost everything for...her second time, sounded like? Jane remembered being in that place herself. You'd hit that phase of anger at the world, not wanting to trust anyone at all, ever again. Swearing off people. Jane felt like she'd been through the cycle a  _few_ times now, but something about Clementine's presence was making this 'bounce-back' different. And yet Jane had been selfish and ignorant to think the girl could just move on so easily. It was easier for Jane to just...forget about people. Leave them behind. She'd just gotten used to it by now. She'd needed to in order to survive. She'd had no other choice. It was a matter of practicality. Not for Clementine, though. And that was...probably a good thing, as long as Clem had someone like Jane around to watch her back.

 

–

 

Another cold night. Fuck. This kind of shit would wear them out soon. They couldn't keep sleeping out in the wild like this. Sooner or later, it just...wouldn't end up well. They had to be getting close to Howe's Hardware. Jane was certain that they were going down the right path. I had been five days now...Probably still be a few yet, though, when she thought on it. Goddamnit. Carver might've been a huge asshole, but the place he'd managed to get together – the resources and the shelter – had been fairly impressive given the state of things, and Jane would bet on her life that there was still enough left over there to keep them going for a bit.

 

Bleh.

 

It had been a long-ass day of hiking, mostly uphill. Jane's legs felt like rubber, and the left one felt like rubber but with a fucking  _stab wound_ in it, so...yea. Not so great.

 

They sat at the edge of a forest. Jane was leaned up against a tree, while Clem was trying to get some rest, huddled on her side on the ground nearby. They'd been making their way along a trail and had finally gotten to a point where the trail tapered off. 

 

Jane missed the feeling of  _not_ being sick of pine needle smell. She missed when pine needles had been such a pleasant scent to her. She  _knew_ they had used to be something she'd looked forward to every Christmas. Some miracle baby and some fat man in a red suit hadn't really been things that she'd cared about – even as a kid, she'd always been skeptical about that shit – but the Christmas tree? Fuck yea. That smell, that prickly feeling on your arm when you went to go hang ornaments on it...Jaime had always loved that part – hanging ornaments on the tree together. Seemed like the only goddamn tradition they'd had that brought the whole family together, without question, without fail, without words...Jaime would shove ornaments at her big sister with glee, commanding her to hang this one there, hang that one there...And for once, Jane wouldn't object.

 

“Jane...?”

Clementine's whisper in the night broke Jane off from her reminiscing. Mmph. Probably for the best, anyway.

 

“Yea?” It was pretty dark by now, but Jane could make Clementine out. The girl was huddled up on the barely dry patch of dirt they'd found beneath a pine tree. Jane, meanwhile, was leaned up against it, with Alvin Jr. sleeping in her lap.

 

There was a pause. It was always a pause with Clementine when you asked her a question. Like she was lingering in her thoughts. Jane appreciated that. Better to think first before doing – or saying – something stupid.

 

After a few seconds of said pausing, Clementine quietly inquired, “Is AJ OK?”

 

Jane glanced at the bundle of... _baby_ ...wedged between her thighs. He... _seemed_ OK? He was quiet. Jane was  _very_ happy with what a quiet baby he was. Otherwise...-  
Well, they didn't even need to worry about that, thankfully.

 

“He's fine,” Jane replied to Clem, a bit perplexed as to why, about fifteen minutes of silence later, Clem was suddenly speaking up about him. “Don't worry about it, Clem. Get some sleep while you can. I'll wake you when it's your turn.”

 

Jane took in a deep breath of clean, chilled air through her sore nostrils as she tried to relax without getting  _too_ relaxed.

 

After about ten seconds, though...-

 

“Um...” Clementine didn't let the quiet settle back in. “Do you want me to...be lookout first instead?”

 

“Nnnnah, I've...got it,” Jane answered with a little impatience. She just wanted some time to... _think_. “Why? Are you having trouble sleeping?”

 

“...Yea.”

 

“Your shoulder again?”

 

“Kind of...”

 

“You should try sleeping sitting up, Clementine.”

 

“But it's...not _comfortable._ ”

 

“ _Tchyeah,_ well, uh-...It _sounds_ like neither is sleeping on the ground, but at least it'll be easier on your breathing.”

 

“Mm...” Clem's uneasy hum of admittance was followed a few seconds later by shuffling.

 

Jane watched as the shape of Clementine's body dragged itself up off the dirt and onto her knees. Jane could hear that ' _fffipp-fffipp_ ' of Clem's puffy coat as pine needles and dirt were brushed off.

 

There was more scuffling as Clem sorted herself up against the tree at Jane's side. Their shoulders touched, eliciting a flinch from Jane just by jumpy instinct. Clem scooted an inch away, breaking their contact. It was such a little thing – such an insignificant gesture, but all Jane's idiotic head could think about was how so many times, in so many ways, Jane had done similar things to Jaime – broken off that contact, brushed it aside, avoided it. Clem was doing a whole lot of that, but...it was because she thought – understandably, maybe – that Jane was a little bit insane. Jane's excuse? She'd thought Jaime was...annoying? Maybe? Kind of a far cry from forcing someone into watching one of their friends die...

 

Jane opened her mouth and breath began to leave as she went to speak up, but Clem's timing was just a bit quicker.

 

Clem started up, “Do you think I could...-”

 

“Huh?”

 

The two sat in odd quiet, backs against tree bark, the land too dark for them to really see each other or much of anything else. There was that long pause again. Jane patiently waited Clem's words. She knew they'd come.

 

Clem cleared her throat, then tried again.

 

“Can I have a sip of that rum?”

 

Jane smirked at Clem's bold request. She recollected when Clem had first offered her some of that bottle by the campfire, and had given Jane a reminder of something from a kid's perspective: that 'grown-ups' made social shit more awkward than it needed to be. Jane wouldn't lie, it had been pretty nice that the duffel bag they'd managed to recover from Bonnie and Mike's theft had been the one with the leftover rum. It hadn't been much, but any alcohol was a lot at that point. Plus, hey, a bottle with a screwcap that was sanitary -- also not a bad thing to have. Could be a makeshift weapon in a pinch, too, maybe, since it was glass.

 

Clem elaborated hastily, “It...helped me fall asleep the other day, so I just...-”

 

“ _Echh_...” Jane let out a half-sigh, half-grunt of hesitation.

_Goddamnit, Clem. There's barely any left. I wanted to save it for when we got to Howe's, but...  
Fuck, I can't say 'no' to you. Especially with how much I owe you right now._

 

“We... _ do  _ still have some,” Clem checked with some suspicion. “Right?”

 

“Yea, yea,” Jane mumbled. “I didn't swipe it. There's a little bit left.” Jane rolled the back of her head against the tree left and right a little as she wrestled with her own desires. There was no telling when they might find booze again – if they  _ ever  _ did, for that matter. “Maybe one shot's worth? Two at best.”

 

“Shot? Is that...-?”

 

“Heh, just think of it like a sip, I guess.”

 

“Oh.” Clem's tone wilted a little. “That's...not a lot. I know you like it...”

 

“Nah, you should have it,” Jane decided. She cautiously reached into their bag to her left, trying not to stir the baby in her lap, in order to the pass the nearly empty bottle to the girl on her right.

 

“There's...barely any,” Clem noted, swishing the bottle a bit. Ah, such a good sound – though also pretty depressing in its currently shallow tune.

 

“Drink it,” Jane insisted calmly.

 

She could hear Clem's fingertips drumming along the bottle as the girl dawdled with uncertainty.

 

“C'mon,” Jane goaded. “It's not like anyone's around to say you can't...”  
Jane stopped herself, realizing what a callously stupid-as-fuck thing she had said.  
“Sorry,” she sighed after a tight second of silence. 

 

Jane didn't receive a reply. Instead, she saw the silhouette of that bottle get tipped up high, and heard the gentle swish of the last of its contents sliding down the bottle's neck and into Clem's gullet.

 

And then, of course, there was coughing. And then groaning and whimpering. Jane figured the coughing had stung Clem's gunshot wound.

 

“Careful, there, Tiger,” Jane teased softly with an amused smirk.

 

Clementine screwed the bottle cap back on and handed the empty container back to Jane. As Jane slipped it back into their tattered duffel bag, she could feel AJ stirring a little, his weight adjusting in such as a way as to apply a bit of pressure on her left thigh. She stretched her right leg – the good one – out a bit and nudged the bundle of baby off of her injury.

 

The pair – er, trio – sat in solitude for a minute or so.

Jane's insides kept getting nagged by their proximity – so close, yet not touching.

 

“ _She's your_ sister,  _ Jane.”  
_ That line from not-so-dearly-departed Mom had been a common line Jane had gotten – right up until all of this walker shit went down. Even after she'd moved to the city, she'd gotten nagged all the time about why she kept her distance from her sister. 

 

In that specific moment under that pine tree, the thought was coming to mind because of this one specific day, on a summer evening. Jane had been sitting on the porch on their cool rocking swing chair thing...Just minding her own business, enjoying the quiet countryside, watching the fireflies come out...Just simple country life shit, right? That was one thing nice about the country – all the alone time you could want. Usually. But then Jaime had copped a squat right next to her, and wormed her arm over Jane's shoulder. At the time, Jane had probably been about Clem's age or something. She'd squirmed Jaime off, which – of course – got her some whining and complaining.

“ _I'm your sister_ ,” that kind of shit.  _ “How come you never let me touch you?” _

“ _Why do you_ want  _ to touch me?” _

 

Jane couldn't recall what Jaime's response had been – probably something vague and dumb, like, “ _Because that's what sisters do_ ” – but Mom had gotten all pissy about it and made Jane be cuddly with Little Sis. The stupid part had been that once Jane had just let it happen, it had been...kind of nice. Naturally, she'd acted like it had been some big burden to bear. Couldn't have Jaime thinking that touchy-feely shit was all right or else it'd turn into this  _expected_ thing, and that would  _not_ have been OK. Preventing Jaime from expecting too much of her became so much of how that relationship had worked.

 

Fuck. What a stupid kid Jane had been. 

What a stupid  _adult_ she was, for that matter. 

 

One who couldn't stop dwelling on a sister she'd fucked things up with. But, well...Make lemonade with lemons, right?

 

Jane cleared her throat.

 

“Hey, Clem, you cold?”

 

“Mm...”

Jane couldn't tell what kind of hum that had meant. Trying to read Clem was even more difficult now than it had been before they were on their own.

 

“Here,” Jane grunted, stretching up her arm. “Might as well help keep each other warm. Kinda chilly tonight.”

 

“Oh...” Clem seemed a bit confused as Jane's hand grasped at her slippery coat. “Um...Sure,” Clem mumbled, scooting over a bit. “I thought you didn't like...-?”  
“It's fine,” Jane insisted coolly. “C'mon, my arm's gettin' tired.”

 

“You arm's _already_ tired,” Clem teased in that dulled way she did, squirming into position so their sides touched.

 

“ _That's_ the truth,” said Jane.

 

Jane's body tensed up at the contact of Clementine's frame leaning against her side. She'd gotten so used to shoving things  _off_ when they touched her that this act ended up feeling much more unnatural than she'd anticipated.

 

_Aghhh, ohhhh-kay...Touching. A person is touching me. But it's fine. I'm OK._

_Scratchy. Argh, scratchy hair. Touching my neck._

_Arm goes aroooooound – agh, don't squeeze, her shoulder's still fucked._

_Hohhhh, shit. Aghhhh, fuck. OK. It's good. I'm good.  
Cool, everything's cool..._

 

“Your coat is...cold,” Clementine mumbled, trying to find a part of Jane's shoulder for her head to rest on. She flatly added, “So is your hand.”

 

“Oh, did I say 'keep eachother' warm?” Jane coyly muttered. “I meant 'keep _me_ ' warm.”

 

Jane let her shoulders relax as she allowed Clem to use one of them as a pillow. She'd forgotten how weird touching could be. Sex was like a whole other thing. It was like...eating. Or going to the bathroom. A bodily function. But this? This was, like...touching for the sake of...being close. That was a whole other thing. But again, like on that porch swing, once it settled in, it'd be fine. Jane knew it'd probably be better than fine, once she got used to it.

 

Clementine noted with just a touch of amusement, “I'm not sure how warm  _I'm_ going to keep you.”

 

“Eh, well...You'd be surprised.” Jane smiled to herself as their sides settled together. Before letting the tone get too sentimental, Jane felt compelled to tease. “A little body heat can go a long way. Even with how scrawny you are.”

 

“ _Hey_ , I'm not...-”

“Yea, you are.”

 

“Well...-”

Jane couldn't see it, but she could imagine the stubborn frown of admittance on her comrade's face.

 

“Well?” Jane prodded.

 

Clem fidgeted her cheek against Jane's shoulder, trying to find a comfortable position.

 

Clem noted plainly, “My  _face_ is pretty warm, I guess.” 

 

“Heh.” Jane tweaked her arm's position so it rested snug behind Clem's neck. “Yea, that stuff was damn good, huh?”

 

“It was gross,” said Clem with a disgruntled tone. “But I'm...-” She yawned, trailing off.

 

“ _You..._ are already drunk,” Jane picked, rubbing her palm on Clem's arm twice. “You're so scrawny you can't even hold a sip of liquor.”

 

“I am _not_ drunk,” Clementine insisted, speaking through half-awake syllables. “Maybe if you catch me eating _glass_ you can tease me.”

 

“ _Ouch_ ,” Jane conceded with a smirk. “Cutthroat, Clem. You're a mean little bitch.”

 

“Mm,” Clem hummed sleepily. Like a laugh, but...much more lazy.

 

It was a good hum – relaxed, at peace. Jane was satisfied.

 

A baby in her lap, a kid sleeping on her shoulder...Fuck. Not at all ideal a situation for surviving the goddamn apocalypse. And yet, Jane couldn't help but realize that she probably felt more relaxed, more content with her existence and her purpose than she had ever been since the walkers showed up.

 

While Clementine drifted off into a very slightly intoxicated sleep, Jane's mind was becoming slightly more 'drunk' with each passing day with Clementine at her side.

 

–

“ _I always wanted a sister. I used to make my babysitter, Sandra, play a game that we were secret sisters. It was...stupid kid stuff.”_

 

“ _You know, being a big sister is...well, it's funny. It's really easy to be mean.”_

–


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I have done bad things. I can't take them back, and they are part of who I am. Most of the time, they seem like the only thing I am."  
> — Veronica Roth, Insurgent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: For clarification, Sandra is the name of Clementine's babysitter. Genevieve was the name Omid suggested in S2;E1 when pressed for a girl's name for his and Christa's baby.

* * *

Clementine briskly paced through what was left of Howe's Hardware store. After their recent encounter with a wayward family, Clementine wasn't feeling well. She wasn't focusing on what she was looking at, or where she was going. There was so much blood everywhere...Bullet shells, parts of people...Walkers with their heads shot. She kept imagining the faces of those three people she'd just turned away, considering what kind of bad things might happen to them. Then she considered what kinds of bad things could've happened to _her,_ or to Jane, or to AJ, if she'd let them stay.

" _Look,"_ the man at the gate had said to them, a woman and child behind him. _"I know you don't know us, and a lotta people out here say a lotta things. But I'm_ askin' _you, as a father. Please...don't turn us away."_

" _I don't know, Clem,"_ Jane had whispered with suspicion. _"They could be anybody. Do we really wanna go through this again?"_

The answer to that question had been so simple at the time: _No. No, I do not want to go through this again. Jane and AJ are enough. They're all I can handle right now. They're all I_ want _right now._

" _Please..."_ the woman had begged. _"We'll_ die _out here."_

" _Leave,"_ Clementine had coldly commanded. She had to put on her tough face. For AJ. For Jane.

" _What?"_ the woman balked.

Clem was not in the mood to deal with strangers. _"You heard me..._ Now! _"_

" _Please...Don't_ do _this..."_

The man, who already had given Clem a bad feeling, took on a more dangerous tone. _"Are you sure you wanna do this, little girl?"_ he'd threatened. _"I mean, what if-...What if we're dangerous?"_ He'd started to reach around his back. Clem had known what we he was going for.

Minutes after this had transpired, Clementine could remember well the tight feeling in her neck in that instant. The way her teeth had been clenched, her heart had accelerated. With AJ in her left hand, she pulled out her pistol from the back of her pants and aimed it at the man.

" _What if_ I _am?"_ she'd countered. In that moment, Clementine felt...powerful. And horrible.

She hadn't meant to be quite so mean, but...what choice did she have, really? She couldn't deal with another cycle of strangers, another cycle of deaths. It didn't even matter, right? Those people were either going to keep surviving, like they had, or die, because they couldn't make it. And if they couldn't make it, they were probably going to lead to bad things by keeping around.

Or maybe they had been like Kenny, or Jane, or even Lee – people who could be granted a second chance.

But Clementine had given out the last 'second chance' she had handy to Jane days before. She couldn't deal with more people. It was too much. Too painful.

No wonder Jane had seemed like such a mystery to the others – Jane probably understood this whole thing well.

It was all a mess in Clem's head. She felt like she'd done what needed to be done to protect who she cared for. And yet she felt awful. She remembered a conversation with Lee that had been haunting her lately.

" _I don't know if we did the right thing."_

" _How can you tell?"_

" _Well, it's not like math, Clem. Sometimes there isn't a right answer."_

" _I hate math."_

" _Heh. Me, too, Sweet Pea."_

Pacing through the abandoned, walker-ravaged halls of Howe's, Clementine found herself missing Lee's presence. She was a bit older now – she could guess that Lee probably had made some hard choices, too, when he'd been around. But he'd done everything he could to keep Clementine alive, keep her going, try and prepare her to take care of herself. And she'd been stupid – so _stupid_ – and followed some stranger on the hope of seeing her parents again. Everything Lee had been through, everything he'd tried to do for her sake, pissed away on the idiotically slim chance of seeing people she should've known were already gone...

It wasn't that trying to find her parents had been dumb – maybe. Urgh. Maybe it had been. But the _really_ dumb part had been that she'd left Lee.

Maybe the reason why Clem was feeling so attached to Jane was because that woman had been trying to do the same thing Lee had: putting everything on the line for Clementine.

Howe's smelt...really bad. The smell was starting to distract her from her thoughts. Clementine sighed at just how much... _blood_ there was everywhere. It was dried up by now, but...still. Gross. And yet, Clem didn't find it so gross as to be scared off by it. It was...blood. People dying was just...a thing. It happened all of the time now. The Clem from a year and a half ago probably would've refused to stay in a place like this. But the Clem of that moment could appreciate just how valuable a place like this was. Sturdy, a solid gate, vantage point from the roof, a greenhouse, some scattered supplies. It wasn't as nice as the lodge had been, but it was probably safer.

Of course, it was safer _now,_ anyway, with Carver and his group...no longer living. Inside of it.

The plan to lure the walkers into Howe's had worked, for sure. And not a whole lot was left over. But definitely enough for three people – for a little while. If anything, the building was what Clementine cared about. Some place sturdy, secure, safe. Jane had mentioned the possibility of them hanging around for a while trying to settle in. That thought seemed...well, not possible. Lee had told Clementine to always keep moving. But she was so tired...She'd been moving and moving for so long. A year and a half now. It was taking its toll.

In her aimless meanderings with Alvin Jr. in her arms and a pistol in her other, she was ignoring Jane's words echoing from throughout the main store floor. The place was so hollow, so empty, that just one person talking really seemed to bounce around the walls.

Clementine found a closed door off to one side. There was a pair of water fountains beside it – one for shorter people. _Scrawny_ people. Hmph.

Clem carefully set the swaddled AJ on the floor beside the taller fountain and went to try and get a drink from it, stretching up on her toes. No luck. Seemed empty Of course. She tried the shorter one, just to be sure, but...nope. It had been stupid to even hope for it. But it might've been stupider to not bother checking. With a frustrated sigh, Clem approached the door. She could hear Jane calling out to her from somewhere amidst the ransacked shelves, but she ignored it. She just...wanted to be alone for a minute.

Clementine knocked on the door with the side of her fist – three solid knocks. She waited for the familiar sound of a walker to stir, but there was nothing. With some relief, she scooped up AJ from the floor and opened the door – it used a knob, which meant that walkers would've been too dumb to get in, anyway. Walkers were dumb. Clementine was smarter than all of them. No matter how scary things got, she always had to remember to just use her head. But using her head was tiring, and she needed to...give it a rest.

Cigarette smoke.

That smell hung in this room. A break room, or something. Seemed it had remained untouched from the walker attack on Howe's Hardware. That made sense, because of the doorknob. Nobody would've been taking a break during an attack, either. Things had probably been so chaotic that no one would've had time to hide out in this place, anyway.

Despite the 'No Smoking' sign hung up the table off to the side, the smell of cigarettes was stuck to the walls here. Clementine knew it well. Her babysitter Sandra had used to smoke. She'd made Clem promise not to tell anyone – it was their secret. Part of their little game. Sandra had been Clementine's 'secret sister', after all, so of course Clementine wouldn't be a tattletale. Sandra had insisted up and down to Clementine that smoking was bad for you, though. To not ever do it.

That never made sense to Clementine – if it was so bad, then why did people do it to make themselves feel better? And then tell you _not_ to do it? Of course, she'd been taught in school that smoking was unhealthy. It did gross stuff to your lungs. But hamburgers and fries were supposed to do bad stuff to your, like...stomach, or something? Make you fat. Cookies did bad stuff to your teeth, too, right? They didn't seem so bad, and people kept eating _them._

It had to be the same thing with Jane and alcohol, too. And Clementine could kind of get it, having tried the stuff a couple times now. It made her face feel warm and fuzzy, like she could just...relax. She'd been really mad at Nick when they'd gotten stuck in that shed and he just kept drinking stuff like that. But she could get it: it helped people relax. It was bad for your body, but...good for your...head? Maybe? Hm. Maybe not really. But it helped you rest.

Clem felt so tired.

So cigarettes, they were supposed to be like that, too, huh? Helping you relax? When Bonnie had let Clem try one, it hadn't felt good at all. It felt horrible. At least rum felt good _after_ the horrible part.

Mom and Dad probably wouldn't have wanted her using stuff like that. But...they weren't around anymore. That was how things were now. She was supposed to start deciding what she wanted on her own. It had pissed her off whenever Jane pointed that out, reminded her about it – and Jane would apologize really fast about it – but at the same time, Clementine could see what Jane kept talking about.

Jane had been saying things like:  
" _Don't tell her what to do!"  
_ " _Haven't you ever wanted to live your own life?"_  
" _We're free now._ "  
" _We can do whatever_ you _want._ "

The smell of cigarettes and thinking about 'living her own life' was making Clementine think about things she hadn't wanted to think about – hadn't had time to think about. Like her last conversation with Bonnie, on the steps...Bonnie had been smoking. She'd let Clem try it, and it had confirmed to Clem that the stuff was gross without the feeling warm part. What Bonnie had said that evening still stuck in Clem's lungs, like cigarette smoke. Like the rainbow-striped coat on her body...The coat Bonnie had given her.

Bonnie had said something about...how Clementine should think about what she wanted out of life. And that there had to be 'another way.' Was that why she'd left?

Why had she left?  
 _Why...?_ After how much of an interest she'd taken, after she joined their side...to just leave so suddenly.

Clem should've seen it coming. Everyone left.

Why did _everyone_ have to keep leaving, just as Clem was getting used to them?

Jane had come back after she'd left. Kenny had come back after he'd left.

And they'd...tried to _kill_ each other...

Clementine hadn't hesitated to pull that trigger. To stop Kenny. To _shoot_ Kenny, her friend. The man she'd hugged the second he'd re-entered the picture, because it'd been such a relief to see a familiar face. When Jane had started clawing at Kenny's eye, Clem had...just frozen up. She hadn't tried to stop Jane, even though she was scared of what could happen to Kenny. But when Kenny had been on top of Jane, pressing that knife down? Clem could just as easily have done the same thing: nothing. She could've...turned her head. Looked away. But she hadn't. She'd killed her friend, without even thinking about it. No hesitation. Not because she didn't care about Kenny, but...because she'd cared about Jane _more_.

But why? She'd known Kenny so much longer...And somehow...-

"Hey..." Jane's voice was quiet. Gentle. Clementine had noticed that the woman's once sharp, stingy tone had gotten softer lately. She was trying harder to make Clem smile by saying silly things. Clementine liked it. It reminded her of Sandra. Of Omid. Of Lee. She didn't smile so much these days, so...a bit of humor was nice. Even if it was usually awkward, like Jane's was.

"Hey..." Clementine did her best to reciprocate the gentleness Jane was exhibiting.

AJ began to whimper quietly in Clem's arms.

"Everything OK?" Jane wondered as Clem rocked AJ a little. "Did you hear me calling you back there?"

"Um...Y-yea, I was...just checking this place out."

Jane lifted a brow at Clem's half-hearted explanation. AJ was whining a bit still.

"I found a walker still moving," Jane cited with some seriousness. "It was stuck, but-...Anyway, just watch yourself, OK?"

"Fine, OK," Clem grumbled dismissively.

Jane didn't like that reaction. Clem stared at AJ, swiveling him around a little. He let out those weird little... _baby_ sounds. But they'd just _fed_ him, what was the deal? Clem looked like she was phasing out, not really fit to be poking around a potentially unsafe area. Clem was probably internalizing shit from turning away those people back there. Jane knew the feeling pretty fucking well by now. They needed to take a break before they could enjoy this place's security. Scratching the back of her scalp, Jane offered, "Want me to, uh...take it?"

"You mean _him_?" Clementine retorted with a facetious smirk and a raised brow.

"...Right," Jane replied, wide-eyed with sheepish embarrassment. "I, uh-...You've been carrying him all day, I just...figured your, uh...scrawny little arms maybe...needed a break."

"Scrawny?" Clem quietly bemoaned, maintaining her facetious demeanor. "They're not scrawny..."

" _Yea_ they are," Jane grunted without skipping a beat, closing the distance between the two of them and extended her own arms out.

Clementine's eyes narrowed and her smirk widened. She teased back, "How do I know you won't drop him if he starts to throw up?"

"You are _not_ gonna let me live that one down..."

"It's just baby vomit."

"It's _disgusting_."

"And walkers guts are OK?"

"That's...-! _Puh..._ " Jane's eyes narrowed, and the two of them swapped coy smirks. "You're not gonna let this go, are ya?"

"Nope," Clem replied. "Especially not if you keep calling me 'scrawny.'"

Jane smiled at that, but assumed a more solemn posture, her arms still outstretched.

"Nah, but...I'm serious." Jane wriggled her hands, ready to accept the cargo. "You should take five. Get off your feet, let your arms have a rest." Clem went to hand AJ over without sparing it a thought – her arms _were_ tired – but her hands lingered hesitantly as she watched Jane fumble the baby a bit. "You've been pacing around all day now, just...carrying him. _Urk-_ " Jane grunted as her teeth grit, grasping the baby with tightened arms. She sighed with some relief after she'd gotten a good grip. "I got him," she mumbled assurance to Clementine, who finally pulled her arms back when she'd decided the infant was secure.

Clementine's jaws remained clenched a bit in reaction to Jane's...un-mother-like baby handling. Jane was...learning. Clementine had some more to teach her, though. It was...kind of nice, in a way – being the one teaching someone else for a change. The last time Clementine could remember doing that, it was...showing Duck how to trace leaves...

"What you did back there, Clem," Jane started up, clearing her throat. "Thanks. Again... _Really_."

Clem's insides squirmed. She didn't like being _thanked_ for doing that. For pointing a gun at that family – turning them away. But she had done it for Jane, and for the baby. She wasn't used to people saying things like 'I'm sorry' or 'Thanks' in the kind of way Jane had been repeating. It was...weird, but in a good way. Like, she repeated that stuff, but it felt _real_ every time. Like she always meant it, every time, and that was _why_ she repeated it. This was especially weird because Clem had thought Jane was the kind of person to just say what she thought people wanted to hear, or what she thought would get a certain reaction out of them.

Then again, how did Clementine know Jane wasn't still doing that?

But when Clementine looked at Jane's thoughtful face, her brows arced and her lips curled in a morose look of pity, she was reminded that she trusted the woman, because she could tell that Jane's affection toward her was real. She just didn't understand how or why.

"Turning those people away..." Jane lamented with a slight shake of her head. "-...it couldn't have been easy."

"Actually, it...sort of was," Clementine sighed, shaking her arms around to loosen them up. Get the blood flowing again. They had been falling asleep from toting AJ everywhere.

Clementine watched Jane's face pale even further with worry at her response.

"...Yea," Jane returned Clem's sigh. It was that breath of regret Jane let out where Clem could tell that the woman understood. That she'd been there before. "C'mon," Jane gestured her head over to the dinged up plastic table at the side of the room. Jane jiggled AJ a bit as he fussed, and Clem observed the way her face wrinkled with awkward uncertainty.

Jane scooted one of the folding metal chairs out with her foot, then cautiously took a seat. The chair squeaked beneath her. Clementine sat in the the next chair over. It was a tiny table, only big enough for three people.

The metal seats were...pretty crappy, but it still felt really good to sit down.

"You did what you thought was the best thing," Jane stated. Almost like she was trying to convince herself as much as Clem. "We're living in a shitty world now. You...-" Jane stared down into AJ's eyes. The baby was drooping in and out of consciousness. "You've gotta become a shitty person to live in it. It's how _I'm_ still around, anyway...I'd _like_ to think I wasn't _always_ this bad..."

Clementine plopped her elbows onto the table, letting her cheeks sag against her wrists.

Clem cited, "Neither was Kenny..."

"I know, Clem," Jane puffed with some bitterness. "I'm sorry. Sooner or later, one of us might...-"  
"I thought the whole reason you wanted us to be alone was to _avoid_ that," Clem pointed out.

Jane gave Clementine a weak-willed smirk of gratitude.

"Yeeeaa that... _was_ the idea," Jane agreed. "I'm gonna do my best to _not..._ become crazier than I am. Just...-" Jane stared down at the scuff marks in the table for a moment of thought. "I just need you to know that I am... _very_ aware of...what a shitty person I am."

"I guess...-" Clem smirked a little, staring down at the coffee-stained table, as well. "I guess I'm glad you became a shitty person, Jane."

Jane looked up from AJ to Clem's face – her eyes looked ragged, her body slouching, but that little smirk brought some spark to it.

"Oh, yea?" Jane replied with some tempered amusement. "Well, I'm not...getting any less shittier..." The words had come out with that facetiousness Jane allowed herself toward Clem, but by the time she'd finished her sentence, the tone had shifted to one of melancholy.

"If you weren't," Clementine cited, "you wouldn't be here. And I probably wouldn't, either..."

"Hey, no, shut up," Jane spit out in quick syllables. Clem glanced up to her, a bit startled by the sting in Jane's tone. "You'd be just fine. Don't think like that."

Clem was taken aback by the stern look in Jane's face. Clem had to look away from it, her brain buzzing.

"Yea," Clementine sighed, acknowledging Jane's notion. "I've...become not such a...good-"  
"We are _all_ shitty people now," Jane interrupted, refusing to let Clem dwell on her mistakes. "You don't get to single yourself out. You wanna think that the people who've died were better than we are now? That's fine. That's fair. But don't you _dare_ start trying to tell yourself that you're any worse than the rest of us."

Clementine rubbed some gunk from the edge of her nose with her wrist and groaned tiredly. Her eyes were starting to well up as her brain was assaulted by...so much _stuff._ The people she'd gotten attached to in all of this, and how she'd lost all of them. How the only reason she was still around was because _they_ had done bad things to protect her. And now it was her turn to start doing bad things – like turning that family away.

"Hey, hey," Jane cooed, snapping Clem from the stupor she was slipping into. "There's...some _good_ news in all this," Jane muttered sheepishly. As Clem rubbed water from her eyes, Jane concluded, "We can...be shitty people _together._ Sometimes it's...not so bad having someone to watch your back. Right? Remember?"

Clem's sobbing, which had paused, choked back up at Jane recounting her own words from days ago back at her.

Tears started spilling out in a second of stillness before Clementine coughed. Her arms collapsed onto the table as she buried her face in padded sleeves of a torn-up jacket.

"Whoa," Jane murmured, awkwardly setting the swaddled AJ down onto the table as she got up from her chair. "Clem, hey..."

Clementine could feel Jane's presence right above her. The woman's hand clamped down onto Clem's frail shoulder.

"We're gonna make this work, Clementine. I promise. We don't have to worry about what anyone else thinks anymore – we can do what _we_ want for a change. We don't...have to stay here if you don't want to, I mean-...We can find some place else. Whatever _you_ wanna do, I'm game, we can just...-"

Jane trailed off when she felt Clementine's shoulder shuddering beneath her hand. Clementine let out a weird sound – like a cough mixed with a sniffle.

"Clem...?"

That was when the avalanche really came down on Clementine's head.

Bonnie's words from their last conversation seeped through Clem's skull.

" _Let me ask you somethin', Clem. When's the last time anyone did what_ you _wanted?"  
_ " _I don't really know_ what _I want."  
_ " _Maybe ya oughtta start thinkin' about it..."_

This jacket Clementine was wearing...Bonnie had given it to her.

Bonnie had betrayed her, after all of her nice words.

But Bonnie had betrayed her from the start, really, right? Back at the lodge...

And she'd forgiven her for it, only for it to happen all over again.

The pants Clementine was wearing...Christa had found them for her.

Christa was gone now. But she'd been _gone_ long before Clem had run away.

She'd been gone from the day Omid had died, really.

Except unlike Kenny, she hadn't even _tried_ to come back from it.

She didn't care about Clem enough to come back.

She didn't care about Genevieve, her own baby, enough to come back...

The hat Clementine was wearing...Her dad had let her borrow it.

She'd never gotten a chance to say good-bye to her parents. To give Dad his hat back.

But after she'd lost that hat, Lee had returned it to her...

She'd always started associating the hat not just with her dad, but with Lee, too.

The hat had Lee's blood still stained into it.

Lee hadn't been her Dad, but he'd...been _like_ him.

He'd been as much a dad to her as anyone probably _could_ be with...all of _this_ happening.

Jane wasn't Clementine's Big Sister, but...she was trying to be _like_ one.

Was that what Clementine wanted?

Clementine could admit that it was. Jane could be the 'secret sister' she'd always wanted.

Did it matter? Jane would just get taken away from her, or abandon her again...

The only good people Clementine found – people she let herself care about?

They all were going to leave, and in awful ways. Or stupid ways.

They'd get bitten and get sick, like Duck, or Lee.

They'd die in an accident, like Luke.  
They'd get killed, betrayed by someone, like Carley had been.

Or they'd be the one betraying, like Bonnie.

 _That_ was why Jane had left. Jane kept talking about how she'd 'seen it before.'

Jane knew that groups never lasted.

" _It doesn't work that way,_ " she'd said as she walked down those steps.

Jane hadn't wanted to see Clem leave herin one of those ways...  
Or maybe it had been the other way around.

Yet here Jane was, back with Clementine.

Jane actually cared about Clementine – not as a child but as, like...a person.

They'd only known each other for...a couple weeks, maybe? But her company somehow meant more to Clem than most people's had been lately.

"Hey, Clem...?" Jane clamped her fingers down a little more. "What do want to do here?"

"I don't _know_ what I want to do!" Clementine growled, shrugging Jane's hand off her shoulder. It was a pathetic, wimpy gesture rather than a threatening, angry one. Clem ranted on in low-toned, tired words. "And even if I _did_ know what I wanted? It...doesn't _matter!_ Everything will just...go all _wrong_ , right when I start...-" An involuntary sob dribbled out.

"Clementine..." Jane muttered, her lips curving down with confused aching.

Clem stared up at Jane's sympathetic look through her watering eyes.

"I'm... _tired_ ," Clementine moaned, rubbing her tears off on her coat.  
 _Agh, ow-ow-ow..._ In her fussing, her left shoulder tweaked a bit, causing her whole body to lock up. She sucked in air through her teeth as she waited for the wave of pain to pass over.

"Take it easy," Jane warily suggested. "You're still healing up..."

"I don't...-" Clem was grunting, fidgeting her shoulder a bit to loosen it up. "-...see _you_ taking it...easy on your _leg_."

Jane had to contemplate her reply to that one.

"Well...That's...cause...I'm a tough little bitch," Jane said with a weak smile. She shrugged, citing, "I've been through worse."

Clementine breathed out a shaky breath – a half-laugh at Jane's remark, a half-sigh at the truth of it.

Shooting Lee's attacker, right in the head.

Shooting Lee, point blank in the face, ending his misery.

Watching Omid bleed out on a bathroom floor in Christa's arms.

Losing Genevieve, Christa's baby, after how hard she'd tried. And then losing Christa, too.

Killing that dog...Watching Kenny kill Carver.

Watching Luke's entire group fall apart, one by one.

Chopping off Sarita's arm in a... _stupid_ attempt to save her, like Lee had tried...

Watching Luke freeze, sinking into the dark water.

Shooting Kenny.

"Me, too," Clementine bitterly muttered, her own syllables catching on her throat. A pair of new tears drizzled down her cheeks.

"'You, too' what?" Jane prodded with her attempt at humor. "You're a tough little bitch?"

Clementine puffed out a " _Tss_ ," at first but shrugged her not-shot shoulder up a bit, conceding, "I guess I _am_..."

Jane's struggled smile withered at Clem's stoic self-deprecation. Clem knew Jane had meant it as a compliment, but...her brain was just running on a cycle at this point. So mashed up by all the gross things – the _bad_ things.

It was overwhelming. And now she had a baby to take care of?

Clem wanted to go back to tracing leaves, watching cartoons with Sandra.

Just _some_ kid stuff. Couldn't she still keep _some_ of it? Just for a little while longer?

Clementine wanted to just...cry. A lot. She was so angry at... _everything._

She was sick of making choices. Of doing bad things. Of trying to help people, only for it all to go bad.

She was also sick of...-

Fighting against the blubbering state she found her body in, Clementine growled with frustration through grit teeth, ripping her hat off her head and whipping it against the floor.

"...Clem?" Jane sounded bewildered.

Clem rubbed tears from her face with her hands – which were gross but probably cleaner than her jacket. _Ugh,_ stupid...jacket!

Clementine ferociously unzipped it and threw it to the concrete ground, as well, whimpering at the pain she'd induced upon herself.

"Whoa, hey, wh...-?" Jane couldn't seem to decide whether to reach out for contact or back off.

Clementine tugged at her stubby pigtails a couple times. Yep. They were going. Lee wanted her to keep her hair short? She'd keep it short. It felt like the only stupid little thing she could... _change_ right then.

Clem jabbed out her right arm toward Jane.

"Give me your knife, Jane," she insisted coldly.

Jane's eyes were wide open with fear and doubt.

"C-Clementine, what are you-?"  
"Just _trust me_ , Jane," Clementine insisted in methodical, dull syllables.

AJ was starting up again, and Jane wriggled his baby body a bit, having no idea what to do.

"Clem, you're...-"  
"What's wrong?" Clem spitefully spat. "It doesn't feel nice when I ask you to _trust_ me, without telling you what I'm doing?"

Jane's face twisted from one of fear to one of...well, Clem couldn't tell. It was a yucky expression. Guilt, regret, a little bit of anger, maybe? Either way, it got what Clem wanted: Jane unsheathed her knife and placed it on the table.

Clementine paused for a second, briefly bewildered. It had worked? Just like that? Clem had said something to make Jane feel guilty, and it gotten her what she wanted.

Well, she was going to take it.

Clem snatched up the knife and raised it to her neck, watching Jane's eyes flicker with uncertainty. Jane didn't budge, though. She was trusting Clem, it seemed.

Clem tugged at her right pigtail, and sawed through it with the knife. It stung, a few seconds of tugging and cutting. Clem spitefully dropped the clump of greasy, tangled hair, tie and all, to the floor. She stared at it for a moment, then up at Jane, who seemed at least a bit relieved that no blood had been involved. Clem hacked off the other pigtail, quiet all the while, then set the knife against the table with silent fury, inches away from AJ.

Jane hesitated for a couple of seconds, her gaze glued to Clem. Clementine turned away, her cheeks burning with some embarrassment for no reason. Only then did Jane take her knife back, wiping hair grease off on her pant leg before re-sheathing it.

Clementine was meandering to the far corner of the breakroom, her hands shaking, her legs weak, her head starting to spin, her cheeks on fire, and getting damp at the same time.

"Clem..." Jane sighed with empathy.

Clementine ignored her, her unsteady hand having some difficulty twisting the metal knob to free herself from the room.

She had no idea where she was going. Everything just...hurt.

Her sight hindered by the tears drizzling down her cheeks, Clementine drearily surveyed the carnage left behind at Howe's. All of those people – some were probably some good people stuck living with Carver – were dead now. Because Clementine had signaled the walkers to invade. So she had kind of killed of them...in a way. Which meant it was her fault that Carlos had died, too – and if he'd still been alive, maybe Sarah wouldn't have-...And if he hadn't tried chasing Sarah, Luke might not have been hurt, and so he could still...-

Clementine growled a loud, pointless growl, scraping her nails against her scalp.

_I killed that family. They're going to die tonight, out in the woods. Because I'm a bad person._

_I killed Kenny._

_I killed Lee._

_I'm a...shitty person._

_But I want to keep living. I want to stay alive._

_But I can only stay alive by being a bad person._

_This sucks._

_I don't want to hurt people._

" _It's not that easy."_

_I know, Lee. I know! I don't care! It sucks, OK?!_

_I'm so tired..._

"Clementine."

Jane's voice was nudging at Clem from the back of her brain, tugging her to the bloody store around her. Clem didn't bother wiping her tears away. What was the point? More were still coming.

"Come on," Jane calmly advised, standing a few feet behind Clem.

Clementine was sniveling and whimpering, her body jittering out of control. With her arms – _scrawny_ arms – wrapped around herself, she trudged over to Jane, who had a morose look about her. Jane had her right arm held out slightly. Her left arm held Clem's hat at her side.

"Wh-...Where's AJ?" Clem groaned through her sobbing, lingering in from of Jane.

"He's _right_ in there," Jane said tiredly, nodding her head to the break room behind her. "He's fine, Clem." Jane's eyebrows curled with uncertainty. "You... _aren't_."

"I'm not..." Clem admitted. She hissed an whimper through clenched teeth. "I'm not."

"I know." Jane took a cautious step toward Clem. Clementine blinked through her tears, glancing down at the hat in Jane's hand, and the exhausted, worried expression on Jane's face. It reminded her of when Lee had found her – right after she'd shot that man to save him.

Clementine let Jane place her hand on Clem's wounded shoulder. Jane was very slow, very careful with this gesture. After letting the hand settle for a sec, Jane forced a smirk down at Clem's soggy face.

"Uh...Nice haircut," Jane said. "You didn't even need to use gum."

Clementine's heart swelled, eliciting a half-laugh, half-sob that stung at her burning shoulder injury. She pressed her body forward, arms still wrapped around herself, and let her left cheek settle against the zipper over Jane's collarbones. Clem's skin was tickled a bit by the worn fabric from the slit that had been cut through Jane's coat when Kenny had jumped her.

When Jane's hands hung awkwardly around for a second, Clementine found the energy to wind her arms around Jane's waist and squeeze a little. It was time to not make it weird.

"I'm tired, Jane," Clem said. She managed to say that one sentence with some semblance of steadiness, but the rest of her words tumbled out in shaky syllables through sniveling. "I'm _so tired._ I don't want to be a...shitty person...I'm sick of making decisions...None of it _matters._ I don't-...! I just...-!"

Jane stuck Clem's hat sideways on the child's head, and tried to find a place to put her hands over Clem's back without hugging too tight – but her fingers scratched at Clem's shirt with an earnest understanding.

"I know, Clem. If it helps...I feel the same way."

Clementine wanted to reply in some way, but the thoughts didn't form into words. Instead, more sniffles and sobs tumbled into Jane's jacket.

"Heyyy, hey-hey," Jane whispered. Jane ran her dirty fingernails across the fabric on Clem's back, hoping to settle the girl's uncontrollable sobbing "I've got you, Clem. I've _got_ you..."

"D-don't _leave_ me again," Clem growled through her tears. "Puh-!...Promise you w-won't..."

"I won't," Jane firmly – immediately – replied. "Never again. OK?"

"And don't...-! Don't luh-... _lie_ to me anymore...!"

"I won't," Jane repeated with solemnity. "I'm sorry, Clem, I...-" Jane sighed. She didn't know what else to say. But she was going to act. She knew how to do that much, anyway. This mushy stuff wasn't her forte, but for Clem, she'd do what she had to do. Then again, with Clementine, this sort of thing really wasn't a bother at all once she relaxed and just let herself be whatever Clem needed. This was, in fact, better than fine, as far as Jane was concerned.

A shoulder to cry on.

Something Jane didn't really think she was capable of being.  
Something Clementine didn't really think she needed so badly.

The two quieted over the course of half a minute. Jane kept rubbing her nails methodically against Clem's back, and Clem let Jane's expanding, contracting breathing against her cheek calm her down. Stupid kid stuff. She still needed a grown-up to make her feel better. That was all she could hope for now, it seemed. Clem wanted to...stay in that moment, rest, relax. She was warmed by Jane's body heat, things were quiet, a human being was touching her, and the world felt like it used to, just for a few seconds.

Watching a movie about unicorns on the couch in the dark, a bowl of popcorn in her lap, laying against Sandra's side.

Eating ice cream sandwiches with Dad late one night after she'd had a nightmare.

Swimming in the shallow end of the backyard pool with Mom on a warm afternoon.

Letting the RV rock her to sleep against Lee.

Letting Jane be the Big Sister she'd secretly wanted.

There was a crashing sound that broke their moment of solitude. It came from the other side of the store, from the stairwell. It was a horrid tumbling, thumping sound. Both girls knew it very well – a walker falling over. They must have missed one somewhere. Of course.

Clementine's heart sank back down from the teeny tiny cloud it had found.

It never ended.

Jane, with a certain kind of irritation about her, broke off their hug gently but concretely. She stared off in the distance, toward where the sound had come from. That familiar, unsettling groan reverberated from the distance.

"Fucking...-!" Jane seethed under her breath. Clem could tell that Jane was feeling the same way – they could never catch a break for more than a few minutes. It was always something. Jane puffed out a sigh, trying to leave Clementine on that softer-edged note she'd been carrying more and more lately.

Clem appreciated how Jane lifted the sideways hat from Clem's head, scratched at Clem's shortened hair, and placed the cap back on, facing forward.

"You take a break, Clem," Jane advised. "I'll handle it."

Clementine nodded, taking in a deep breath, letting out a long and shaky sigh as she watched Jane sneak off, knife in hand, slightly lop-sided from her recovering thigh wound.

Clementine did as she'd been instructed and re-entered the break room. She rested at the breakroom table, where AJ was still napping. Clem sagged her face into her arms and took a nap, herself.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So we just quit?"
> 
> "No, but...that's a baby, it's never gonna...-"
> 
> "What? He's never gonna what?"
> 
> "I'm being realistic, Clem. I know you're...really attached to him, but...-"

Perched upon the roof of Howe's Hardware, Jane glared across the barren parking lot with disdain. Her head still hammered with angry thoughts, conflicted emotions, echoes of their recent conversation. There'd been a lot of yelling. But right now, Jane was trying to focus on keeping watch. In the middle of the day, the chilled air stung at her cheeks. She enjoyed it. She appreciated winter's bitterness, even if this southern air was tainting it.

A lone walker was trudging its way across the lot. The second one she'd seen that day. The first had been leaning against a broken down car for probably a couple of hours now. Was it bored? Was it tired? Why _did_ they seem to take breaks like that, anyway? Just...sit around silently, unmoving...Those were the most dangerous ones, too. But they sure as hell didn't do it out of some keen predatory instinct. Getting the drop on the living was just a happy accident that they weren't even capable of being happy about. Fuckers. What did they need to take breaks like that for, anyway?

 _Did_ they get tired, maybe?

Huh.

Brooding over the edge of the roof with her hands, Jane had nothing better to do than watch the walker for a while. Its aimless meanderings, its pointless shamblings...

Every direction was a question. But there were never any good answers. Not answers that made sense, anyway.

After a couple of minutes, the walker had found its way over to the one taking a load off. It was passing by without incident. This drew the attention of the one taking a break, and by the time the trekking walker had reached the end of the lot, it had a follower. Jane couldn't help but notice that the one leading the way was smaller, shorter...

Laughing to herself through her nose, Jane sighed. She scratched an itch on the back of her head feverishly for a few seconds. A nice protective layer of dandruff. Yep, that'd scare the fuckers off, right?

Blech. What she wouldn't do for a fucking cigarette right then...Or a stiff drink. Either, really. Fuck, she couldn't even remember the last time she'd partaken in both at the same time. Definitely _before_ everything had gone to shit.

Hm. No, wait. She _could_ remember, when she put her mind to it. Felt like ages ago, but...Yep.

A late-night bender with the douchebag she'd been shacking up with back then. More for his money, as she recalled. Which came in real handy when it was drinking night. Jaime had tried to come hang out with them, but Jane had sharply declined via white lie. She couldn't remember what it had been, or even why she hadn't wanted Jaime to come hang out. She could only remember how pointless the night had been. A haze of smoke rings and shot glasses, beer bottles and glowing ashes, placid sex – which kinda happened when everyone was, ya know, stoned out of their fucking minds...Sex and vomit did not mix well. Not something she was kinky about. Especially when _she_ was the one vomiting.

That particular night, she'd gone out less to spend time with that asshole and more for the intake of, well...shit. Shit that made her forget what a lousy life she was living. Which had felt good at the time. Less good when the previously mentioned vomiting had started up, but...Probably would still feel good right in that very moment on the rooftop of the fucking boring-as-hell apocalypse, as upset as she was. Hell, she'd even be OK with throwing up her brains afterward if the stuff was good enough.

On second thought, maybe Jane had it all wrong the first time. What she wouldn't give to _remember_ the good stuff from the 'Before Time.' The _actual_ good stuff, not the alcohol. If she'd chosen to take up her sister's offer that night, countless months ago, instead of piss the night away with pricks she didn't care for, maybe she'd have one more good memory to latch onto in these boorish times. And she had very few of those to spare anymore, half of them spoiled by shitty circumstance like mold forming in milk.

A baby's whimper rattled Jane out of her head. Of-fucking-course...

It was coming from the greenhouse behind her. When had Clementine snuck in there? The kid had been inside, avoiding Jane for a solid couple of hours now. Meh. Jane probably deserved it. She didn't know. Whatever. If it was easier on Clementine to take it out on Jane, she could go for it. Jane would take the metaphorical beating. Still felt shitty, though.

But that fucking _crying_...

–

"I _saw you_ , Jane."

"I was just getting him to be _quiet_."  
"You were _smothering_ him!"

–

Jane scratched her nose and rubbed at the heavy bags under her eyes. The crying behind her continued, muffled by greenhouse glass.

–

"Smuh...-?! I put my _hand_ on his _mouth_ to shut him the fuck up!"  
"You could've _hurt_ him!"  
"But I _didn't._ And there were _walkers,_ Clem."  
" _So?_ That...-! You can't just...-!"

–

Jane sighed, leaning forward against her knees. She let her eyes slide closed. She buried her face between her elbows, arms linked across her legs. There had been a bit of a...'mishap' during their supply run that afternoon. Formula was nearly out, and they had needed to find some. A daycare center they had scoped out a couple miles down the road had seemed like a prime spot to search. Luckily, formula wasn't exactly in high demand by scavengers, so it was something that they'd been able to find amid the stray supplies. But, like most any supply run, there had been walkers around. And AJ had been fussy and started bawling for no goddamn apparent reason.

–  
"Clementine, what kind of _fucking_ world is he going to grow up to see? Huh?"

"That's...not the point, it-"  
"Like he's even _going_ to grow up."

"...What? How could you _say_ som-"  
"Let's not fucking _kid_ ourselves, here, Clem. Our days are _numbered._ "

"So we just quit?"

" _No,_ but...that's a _baby_ , it's never gonna...-"

"What? He's never gonna _what_?"

"I'm being _realistic,_ Clem. I know you're...really attached to him, but...-"

–

Jane's ass was getting sore from sitting on the gravel. She tried to realign her posterior. AJ was still fussing, his muffled whimpers accompanied by Clementine's hushes and coos.

–

"AJ is part of the group, too, you know..."  
"I'm not...saying he _isn't,_ it's...-"

"Jane…"

"Clem. He's a liability."

"What does...that even _mean_?"

"Exactly what it _sounds_ like."

"Nnn...No, like...I-I still don't know what that word...means...No one's explained it, exactly."

–

Jane twisted her head back over her shoulder, peering into the greenhouse. She could make out Clem through the miserable-looking plants. The girl's eyes were veiled by that hat of hers, and she was bouncing the braying little creature up and down in her arms, sticking her tongue out at him.

–

"Liability? It...it means...something that only puts us at risk."

"At risk?"

"In danger. Something that, sooner or later, is gonna bite us in the ass."

"So...You're saying it's like that family we turned away. We didn't want...the risk."

"Sorta, yea. That _is_ whywe turned 'em away, isn't it?"

"Yea, but...AJ's-...I mean, he's different."

"Why? How?"

"He's just a baby, he can't...-"  
"Protect himself? Protect _us_? Do _anything_ other than need to be taken of?"

–

Jane just kept staring at Clementine coddling the infant in her arms. Puffing out her cheeks, making funny faces...Tiny brown hands reached up, trying to claw at Clem's face, and she allowed them to squish her nose.

Jane, in her cynicism, couldn't help but hear a walker's growls, see the gnashing of tiny jaws, the scratching of tiny nails.

Clementine was smiling.

–  
"AJ can't make any decisions for himself. So we have to take care of him."  
"That shit machine shouldn't even _be_ our responsibility in the first place."

"How can you talk-?"  
"Is he _your_ kid?"  
"Wh...-?"  
"No. Is he mine? _No_."  
"How can you talk about him like that, Jane?"

"I'm just calling it like it _is,_ Clem."

Jane got up and cautiously approached the greenhouse, thumbs latched over the edges of her pockets. Her leg was still stiff from her injury, but it was getting better. The greenhouse itself was in a clean state, but the plants weren't doin' so hot. Untouched by walkers, and also uncared for.

-  
"And you're...saying that's all AJ is. A...a 'liability.'"

"Yep. Guess I am."

"That's it? That's all he is to you?"

"Well, _yea_ , Clem, I mean...what else...-?"

"You...really _are_ a shitty person..."

"...Clem. Don't...-"

–

Lingering by the crusty-edged windows, Jane kept eyeballing Clem, as if observing a monkey tending to its baby in a zoo. Curiously comprehending this creature that was different from her. Trying to understand how it could care so much for a lost infant it had picked up from the dirt, abandoned.

Sure, that was sorta what Jane had done with Clem, but...Clementine was a full _person_ , not just...-

Clem noticed Jane's presence, and the glare she gave Jane wasn't too far off from slinging shit her way.

–

"It's...it's _not_ OK to think like that, Jane!"

"How is that not OK? It's what keeps us _alive_."

"So...So what happens, then?"

"Huh?"

"With AJ. What happens with him?"

"I...don't _know_."

"You'd just abandon him if I wasn't here."

"I wouldn't have _taken_ him in the first place, if that's what you-"

"Well, Kenny _was_ taking care of him."

"Kenny was... _broken_ , he was-"  
"A shitty person? Like you? Like me?"

–

Jane let herself into the greenhouse, head bobbed. AJ's crying was starting to taper off and Clem kept shushing him in that calm way of hers. She pretended to take interest in the state of the plants, her eyes periodically darting up to Clem. Watching, waiting.

"What do you want?" Clem's voice culled the question with dry, crackling disinterest.

"I'm...sorry. About...-"

"Leave us-"  
–

"- _alone_."  
"Clem...?"  
"Go."

" _Go._ "  
"Clem, please...-"  
"Not...-! I don't...mean...-"  
"Look, I didn't want to piss you off, I was...-"  
"Can you give us some time _alone_?"  
"Sh-sure, yea, I can...I can do that."

–

"You, uh…-" Jane tried to speak, her throat dry. She cleared it, scratching at jaw awkwardly, avoiding Clem's stare. "Need a bit more alone time?" she mumbled out. This felt like the verbal equivalent to walking around eggshells.

"I'm not _alone_ ," Clementine stiffly corrected, touting AJ's body up a little bit.

"Rrright, yea," Jane hastily agreed. Fuck, argh…There went one eggshell, right beneath her boot.

Hands wrapped around her empty stomach, Jane's teeth ground together beneath tightened lips.

" _Ahm,_ sooo…-" Jane's right knee – her good leg – wriggled, bouncing a few times off her toes in a nervous tick of impatience. "Ya sure you're good? 'Cuz, I mean…I'm not a doctor, but…ya don't seem so good."

Jane's bobbing leg shifted form, becoming a lightly tapping foot. She eyed Clementine for a reaction, and Clem's eyes seemed to scan her right back with scrutiny. Squish. There was another eggshell.

"I-I'm just saying," Jane continued to fumble with words, her grip on her own arms tightening. "It's been…a _while,_ and I'm…not really sure what…you wanna…-" Jane grimaced a bit as Clementine approached her silently, baby in tow.

Without a word, Clementine extended her arms out, easing AJ toward Jane. AJ wriggled in his blanket bundle, his weird little nose wrinkling, and his…wrinkly weirdness making Jane uneasy.

"Uh, Cuh-...Clem, I…I don't...-" Jane was sputtering out syllables in a nervous fit as Clementine released AJ into Jane's arms. "I-I'm gonna drop it," Jane spat, her fingers clenching at the cloth as her teeth were grit. She made to give the pudgy, wrinkly thing back. "C'mon, Clem, take...-!" Her chest tightened when Clem took a step back, a studious look about her. AJ began fussing again, his whining noises further unsettling Jane. "Look, see?" Jane desperately mumbled. "He, uh, he hates me, you should-"

"Just _hold_ him for a minute," Clementine demanded.

Jane gawked at Clem, who looked rather serious about this, but did as she was told.

The hell? Was this Clementine's idea of getting some kind of 'maternal instinct' bullshit to kick in? 'Cuz that wasn't gonna happen. Maybe Jane had gotten a soft spot for the kid – for Clem – but this... _thing_ in her hands, he was different. And he wasn't shutting up. Jane had carried the kid around a few times, sure, whatever, but he hadn't been _fussing_ , he hadn't been crying, and it hadn't been under Clementine's stern gaze. Goddamn, those amber eyes were kind of intimidating in that instant. Just glaring. Judging.

"Rock him," Clementine insisted, demonstrating with her own arms on an air baby. "You've gotta learn how to do this."

Jane begrudgingly obeyed, her nervousness giving way to irritation. Glaring down at the infant in her arms, she thought spiteful thoughts, wishing things had played out differently. Wishing that this burden hadn't become theirs to bare. Wishing Kenny had kept the thing and they'd just ditched his ass, instead of-...Fuckin' christ, Jane was being lectured on how she 'had to learn' how to take care of a baby. Like she wanted lessons, here. Then again, Jane kinda _had_ forced some of her own knowledge onto Clem – it was how they'd met and all. But, c'mon. That had been useful stuff, not…pointless stuff. With things the way they were, babies were...fucking pointless.

"He's not _that_ bad, is he?" Clementine posed. Her voice was rife with exhaustion, like she was talking to a child who had just gotten a vaccine shot.

Well, the runt in Jane's hands _had_ gotten quieter now, but that didn't really change Jane's state of mind.

"Clem, look." Jane fidgeted her grip balancing the creature in one arm long enough to brush hair from her face. Clutching him back in both hands, she mumbled with a sigh, "I'm sorry about earlier, OK?"

Clementine's eyes kept piercing through Jane, but while they'd been like molten knives before, now they were rusted over.

"I know," Clem murmured.

The two stared at one another, reaching each other's vacant expressions, searching for something neither found.

Jane wondered tiredly, "What are you trying to do here? Wh-...?" She shook her head slowly, eyes rolling upward. "What are _we_ trying to do here? With...-" She bobbed her head down, slightly raising A.J. "-... _this_?"

"We're staying _alive,_ " Clementine bluntly grumbled. "We're making sure that A.J. stays...a _live._ Isn't that all you care about? Surviving?"

In the wake of Clem's assertion, Jane was breathless – left to ponder if Clem was right. Left to ponder how it felt to realize that this was what Clem thought. A.J. squirmed in her arms, croaking out some miserable baby-whimpering sound.

"Clem, you _know_ that's not _all_ I care about," Jane muttered with some dejection. Still dodging the fucking point, of course. How could she not? She was the adult. She was the elder. She couldn't...-  
"If you care about _me_ ," Clementine tossed out, "then I need you to care about _him_."

Jane's brown eyes were gridlocked by Clem's amber ones. Clem really meant it. It hurt. Burned a little. Jane in and of herself wasn't...enough? Was that it? A.J. could just...go missing. And yea, that'd suck, but everyone _else_ had 'gone missing.' It was Clementine, though – no her and there'd be no Jane. If she left, _Jane_ would 'go missing.' But that those seconds of staring confirmed it for Jane: she was important to Clem – she knew that fully well – but she wasn't an end-all-be-all for Clementine. She could die, disappear, even be pushed away like everyone else in Clem's life, but as long as A.J. was around, Clem would have a reason to keep fighting. Keep surviving.

Well...fine. Like Jane had a choice. She managed to pry her eyes from Clem's, gazing down at the pudgy face of what Clementine found hope in.

Fine. She would try. Didn't make _any_ goddamn sense, of course – this _thing,_ this...lump of not-yet-a-person, it... _could_ be a person. Eventually. It wouldn't, of course. Jane knew that deep in her gut. But the _idea_ was what mattered. The _idea_ was what gave Clem hope, naive as that was.

Clutching A.J. like a bomb, Jane carefully made an effort to...she didn't know, be...mother-ish? She managed to worm her hand against the back of the baby's head, thumbing at its forehead. Shit, it was so... _soft._ And squishy. _Argh,_ fuck. _He. He_ was so soft and squishy. Gragh, this was gonna be...hard.

Oh, fuck, he was staring at her. His eyes were so _huge_ on his tiny face.

"H-hey, there," Jane squeaked out, her stomach suddenly empty. She was holding a fucking human being. Something that could grow, and evolve, and...become a full person. And this was a thing that had been _created_ by other people. In the middle of all of this _shit._

Jane had gotten so tangled up in her instincts, in protecting Clementine – protecting _herself_ – that she'd be refusing to see this weird, fucking freakish truth that Clem had been glued to from the moment this th— _baby_ had shown up.

"See?" Clem eked out with nervous optimism, staring with awe at the way Jane and A.J. were silently gaping at one another. "He's not so bad...right?"


End file.
